Wednesday 13 May 2015

26th Birthday Special: Autism Sequel


Welcome back to the Randomizer, and to the first official sequel piece for my blog!

You may remember over a year ago, that I talked about a subject matter that is very important to me: Autism, and the different events I’ve gone through in my life where I was particulary affected by. I will admit, the amount of comments I have had from Facebook, close friends and family was an absolute high for me, and I am really grateful for the support I received. So this year, I decided to do another piece about my autism, this time focusing on what autistic traits I have.



I will admit, I’m not as scared going into details as I was last year. Maybe it’s because I feel more confident talking about it on here, and in person if the opportunity arises, to show how autism works in so many different ways for different people. Just the other day I was talking to my old primary school teacher about what I was like as a child, and about old memories from school. I was a mother-fucking angel of course. No question.

In seriousness, there is a stigma attached to autism still that has yet to be fully admonished. There are many people around the world who still don’t know what it is, and don’t always understand how it fully works. It’s the same with probably any kind of learning disability like dyslexia, dysprasia, Down’s Syndrome etc, that autistic children and adults are not disciplined in anyway, that we aren’t able to talk with people, that we live in our own world. This article will more than happily flip that stigma over, and ignore it with the good graces of awesomeness while walking over it with nice heavy boots.

Platforms just to be sure...




So please, carry on reading, and gain more understanding in how autism can work.

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For those who are new to autism, what is autism?.........................................I ask the same question as I did last year: Where does one start explaining what autism is?

Autism is officially known as a lifelong disability, a hidden one at that. It affects the way of communicating with people, relating with people and how we make sense of the world around us, yet we don’t look disabled, like someone who is using a wheelchair. For many people who know about autism, it shows how our brains are wired differently, not just literally but because to talk about autism is to talk about a whole spectrum.

The autistic spectrum shows that though there are similar traits between various autistic people, those traits affect us in many different ways. There are three main focal points:

-Social Communication




‘For people with autistic spectrum disorders, body language can appear as foreign as if people were speaking Ancient Greek’ (autism.org.uk)

This is the first major difficulty that some people can have.

One is we have a very literal way of interpreting language and words, taking what is said right on the nose. This is something I still have some difficulty with to a point. If I was in a conversation with someone, one word will lead me into the direction of thinking, ‘wait that doesn’t make sense’, thinking of it in literal terms. Then I will realise it won’t mean that one thing specifically, more an interpretation of what is meant. I used to have this problem with jokes that comedians can tell because they did fly over my head like that, but my understanding of the jokes and the situations that arise from them has become a lot more better overtime.

Another difficulty we can have is speech patterns. Some people will never be able to talk, or communicate very little to those around them. They may understand what is being said but can use other ways of communicating, using sign language or visual symbols. Other will be able to talk, but there is the subject of give-or-take conversations, where one might repeat what the other person has said, or talk at length about their own interests instead of taking an interest in the other person. This is something I had done in the past, and to a point still happen now, where my interests can overwhelm the conversation. It’s something I have tried to improve on, and it has helped me gain a better understanding and interest into the people around me.

The third is a non-desire to communicate with other people. I can be like this when at times around family and others. The best example is when I have my headphones in and listening to music (headphones that have not been destroyed at least). It’s not like I try to be rude and not partake in conversation, just misinterpretation to think we’re being anti-social. But I think this has lessened somewhat in my experience and I make an effort to try and listen to what’s being said now. I can’t say for any other autistic people obviously.


-Social Interaction



The second difficulty is social interaction with people in general. This connects with communication to a point, but also in ways of recognising other people’s emotional states, and recognising our own in the process.

First is the unwritten social rules that autistic people do not pick up as readily as most people. This may involve standing too close to people, invading their ‘personal space’, or starting an inappropriate topic of conversation. Some of you may remember I talked about my feelings about how autistic people don’t always manage to ‘fit’ into society. This I will come to later on in the blog.

Second, we might appear insensitive because we don’t always recognise how other people can be feeling, and appear inappropriate with our reactions. One example I mentioned last year was of a video of a woman who was dumped by her boyfriend being comforted by her friends, asking why he had done so. An autistic man who had joined them at table said perhaps the boyfriend thought she was ugly, and gets stared by everyone. It’s still a good example because we don’t mean to say something like that on purpose, we just give an answer that may sound insensitive, which of course isn’t the intention. It’s one of those traits some autistic people will have difficulty.

Third, some may prefer to spend time alone, opposed to hanging out with other people. Again while some autistic people will be this way, that doesn’t mean we don’t want anybody’s company. I’d still be buggered if I didn’t have my friends, work mates and family to relate to. One of my closest friends from college, Mibs Bayliss (who makes a return to being mentioned in the blog yay!) understands how autism works, and I’ve managed to live with her for over eight years. How she has put up with me, I have no idea. Magic presumably.


-Social Imagination
 

The third and last main point of autism is social imagination.

Firstly it can be difficult for autistic people to understand what people are thinking in the moment, how they are feeling and what they will do next. This connects with social interaction to a point, because like I said, we may not recognise how people are feeling etc. I had some problem with this to a point last year, because on Facebook or talking with someone, I won’t always recognise how people are feeling. But I think I have improved on this slightly. Only once have I wondered if someone was being sarcastic or not on a Facebook comment in the past few months. Also I can still give out big Wookie Cuddles if I need to. Free of charge of course.

Secondly, some may find it out to engage into imaginative play. One example I do remember vividly is from a Horizon documentary, Living with Autism. For normal or neurotypical (I’m not very fond of the term) kids, they had a box, with a red ship inside, and they had to tap three times on top of the box to get it out, as shown by an adult. Autistic kids saw the adult do it first, then got the ship out because they knew it was in there anyway. No way does this mean some kids are idiots, they just don’t recognise how to use our imaginations. For me personally, this hasn’t been much of a problem, playing an old spy game with an old primary school friend, and of course writing stories.

Lastly, some autistics have difficulty in planning for the future or other unpredicted events, using a routine to help focus on what will happen for each day. In some way this is one of the better known traits, because perhaps for many autistics, change can be unnerving and hard to deal with, instead having a steady plan to deal with stressful issues. This hasn’t really affected me too much, though there have been situations when I have felt the routine broken, which I will come to soon.


-Other Characteristics

Besides the main three points, there are three more recognisable traits about autism that I mentioned last year.

One is sensory sensitivity. This trait can affect any one of the main five senses: Touch, Smell, Sight, Taste, and Sound, ranging from an hypersensitive feeling (overwhelming) to an hypo-sensitive feeling (underwhelming). For example, if an autistic person were to hear a specific sound, they will find it unbearable to listen to and even feel sick hearing it, or may not feel anything at all. This also applies to certain types of clothing that may FEEL unbearable to take.

Another is specialist interests, that many autistic people have close to their hearts. They can range through anything: Comic Books to Music, Films to Computers, anything you can really think of. I’ve not much different, though instead of having one specific interest during my life, I have a variety of different interests over the years, some of which again I will come to later in this blog.

Lastly is a term that probably many of you will know: Asperger’s Syndrome. It is a form of autism that shares many traits from the three main points. The main difference between the two is that people with Asperger’s tend to have fewer problems in speech instead of delayed speech at a young age and will have average or above average intelligence. The problem at the moment is that that’s the only fine line between them, so you’d have to be an expert to know the difference. I still have some trouble differenting between the two.

So that’s a first-step knowledge of what autism is about. Imagine if a brain was a Lego block coloured blue, and there were little red pieces that fitted in there, different for any autistic person. That’s what autism is. We’re all different in many ways to each other and there is no one defining feature about the spectrum. Some TV shows, films and other media will give an understanding into how autism works, but the thing we may forget is that we’re ALL different.

Thus we come to the main part of the article: My autistic traits.

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1.       Lack of emotion…or too much?

One of the points that has been associated with autism for a while, and what I have noticed, is the apparent lack of emotion we have, that we simply don’t express emotion at all, or that we cannot express it while being confused by what other people are feeling. Nope. Sorry, but in my experience as far as I can remember back, I have not shown much lack of emotion at all. In fact, it’s always been quite the opposite: to feel too much emotion, or perhaps unable to express it in a “healthy” manner.

One example I’m going to give is about one of my closest and best friends Alice Beadle. She’s a very sweet person with a similar sense of humour to me, a total awesome geek, and I just enjoy her company. Whenever she’s been in a rough patch, I have tried to be there for her in any capacity I can be, either by phone or just being there in person when she needs support, and she’s done the same for me too, been supportive when I needed someone to talk to. But we both know I have a tendency to over-worry on a situation when perhaps I didn’t need to, at times of course.

Yea we're posing here, but she's definately thinking 'I'm going to get revenge for that Disney Loving Woman-Child remark'

Worrying is seen as part of how autism works, and I think it is part of the trait to feel a great deal of emotion at least with me. It’s not just with friends or family, I can worry about a multiple number of things, like sometimes picking up the phone if it’s a number I don’t recognise, or trying to get plates cleaned up at work so I can try and sit down to eat. I suppose it is part of a routine I imposed on myself, perhaps unintentionally. In the past, I did get wrapped in my own anxiety, a lot. There was a time when I just remember fighting myself in my head, all I really did was play FIFA 06 on my Playstation 2 a lot, almost every day before I went to college. It’s like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, as Mibs has mentioned to me.

Another emotion that has been a big part in my life, is anger. Believe me, the number of times I have been frustrated by something I didn’t fully understand, or being pissed off at jokes and many things reaches probably 534. That’s not a number I picked out at random, honest! I was discussing this the other day with my old primary school, Mr Irishman (code name for in case people hunt my blood), and he says there were many times where I did get angry because I couldn’t fully grasp something, and found it difficult either to explain what I mean, or found it frustrating to not understand a particular situation. Nowadays, I try not to be angry at people, and make better strides to control myself in different situations. Just a few weeks ago, someone at work had made a joke about people having heart attacks, and while that did upset me for a moment, I knew it wasn’t meant maliciously, and didn’t raise the situation further.

...yet





I won’t go into so much detail about how much more my emotions can be quite dominate, but I think those are good examples about how there might be a discord in how some autistic people and their minds are able to express these emotions in a capable and individual manner. For me, those emotions can be quite intense and will come across as, for lack of a better word, explosive.

My anger in particular can be destructive, if a point arises when nothing has been explained properly on either side. That’s what happened the last time I fully blew up, and what I found is that both sides in a conversation need to understand what is being said, otherwise everything just falls apart. Other than that, I’d say my anger is, mostly, under control. My anxiety however has been more of a focal point in recent times, and it’s something I need to understand a bit more and try to not let myself be overwhelmed by. Any help is appreciated!

I won’t go into so much detail about the other emotions that can be particulary ‘explosive’, but those two I think are the main emotions, certainly with me. I’m not going to say it’s wrong to worry about friends who need you to listen when they need it, or feel angry about things. It’s human nature to do that. But sometimes it can be a case about keeping a calm head and let those emotions out on the particular situation, like a scale of 1-10 perhaps depending what the situation is. Still it is great to be there for someone when they need you, even if you can be a tad too much in worrying (ahemmotherlockshousebecauserobbersthatdon’texistinvillageahem).

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2.       Repetition

Repetition is also one of the defining traits of autism, depending on what the person does. It can include either hands flapping back and forth, rocking your head back and forth, jumping up and down, using an object to play with, etc. While I did understand some of these repetitive behaviours in other people when their senses are overwhelmed, what I was surprised to see is the different ways it could affect how an autistic DEALS with a situation: either to gain sensory input by showing interest, helps keep calm when a particular point is overwhelming i.e. with one of the five senses, to deal with stress and keep certain about something, or perhaps they enjoy something in particular.

For me, repetition is definitely something many people will notice perhaps if they had a secret camera in my room. In which case, you’re sued. While it’s not anything like hand-flapping, it’s more pronounced in watching stuff on YouTube, researching into stuff that I am interested in, playing on video games, listening to music etc because they are things I do enjoy doing, while also being a little bit distracting to what I should be doing.

One example is looking into how ITV used to work in the past before 2004. It wouldn’t be something I would personally give out, because it’s a feeling that no one else would be as perhaps, lack of a wrong word, ‘obsessive with’. But if I did want to talk about it, it would be something like: ITV was originally made up of different franchises by many production companies, hence Thames Television, London Weekend Television, Central Television etc. But in 1991, many rules regarding the franchises were relaxed, and companies started to take each other over, ending eventually in 2004 when Granada and Carlton Television merged to form ITV plc. That would be the short version of it.

In fact, if I was interested in one particular subject, I will think about going to look it up and again in future, more because I can simply enjoy it. Perhaps as well when I am in a state of working on my novel, I do tend to go on Facebook as a means to relieve the stress, I guess this is because I’m used to going on it quite a lot as a default mode, instead leading myself to thinking it as distracting myself. Yes it doesn’t help from my work, but I can see as it may lead me away for about 5 minutes to run things over in my head.

Another form of repetition I can do is the repeating of scripts from films and TV shows. I have this ability whenever I watch something a multiple number of times, I can literally try and revise the script out loud, for probably around 80 percent matching power. This was more promenant when I was younger, and I can still show it off somehow, out loud. That’s where a problem can lay, because I have been called on for talking to myself, and getting funny looks. There is a difference between learning scripts from repetitive watching and asking myself what the time is out loud to give myself an answer. Just understand I don’t talk to myself, but just act out the parts that many others may do so. To be honest, I don’t do it around friends or family much because it’s not something I like to do. It’s something I more or less keep to myself in my time. Still, I think I deserve an Oscar for such work actually.

Next year maybe, when the world sees my talent


One last form of repetition I can do, but not so much, is jump around. Whenever I’m in a moment of watching something, or thinking about where I’m going in my novel, I act those scenes out with my body, like jumping around the living room to an action scene, using my arms, pacing about, or acting out instruments when listening to music etc. Maybe this is more of an over-stimulation thing perhaps, like ‘in the moment’ because again those are things connected to what I like to do, watching films, writing and listening to music. I get caught up in the time and just develop things in my head. At times it has helped me seek through ideas, it’s probably not helpful in the sense that jumping around in the living room will result in something breaking. Again, it’s not something I do every time, only when I’m thinking of a particular story mostly nowadays, and developing how things go in my mind.


Those are my aspects of repetition, and like I said, while these things have stayed with me since forever, I have grown for the most part out of them. Slowly mind. Repetition is part of an autistic mind regardless of what interests we have. It can be difficult to understand at first, because perhaps it’s a different way of expressing how we show our emotional state, happy or sad or whatever we feel. But of course it’s the uniqueness of the repetition in some people. I have my way, other autistic people have their ways. Just maybe ask if you seeing something ‘strange’. Asking goes a long way.

Please sir, I want to understand...
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3.       Joking…or am I?

Going back to one autistic trait of interpretating language, some autistic people do have a literal way of understanding words and to a point not understand a joke. This was apparent to Hans Asperger (the man who invented the term ‘Asperger’s Syndrome’) who claimed that those who had Asperger’s, did not understand jokes. For me personally, understanding jokes when I was younger was very difficult.

The number of times when I couldn’t understand jokes, I can’t even begin to list them, but I can show examples. It’s all I ever do, I’m so boring sorry! When at secondary school, there was one kid who was older than me, and kept saying to me as a joke ‘I’m gonna tell on you’. For me as an 11 year old, and unknowing of my autistic diagnosis, it was very upsetting at the time, because of my literal interpretation of it. That’s not to say it was my fault at all, far from it. It just was a severe lack of communication between people who didn’t know anything about autism to start with. But that example is pure spot on about how we see language.


He's not laughing at the joke, he's just a very good observer
Another example is when I was at the Download Festival a few years ago, and an incident which Alice and her red-headed, Twilight-hating (:D) and equally awesome sister Charley Beadle were sort of involved in, and were quick to remind me after the first autism blog. A friend of theirs had come along too in a camp close by (I think) and he was teasing Charley quite a bit. Now I had known Charley about a year or two and thought her a good friend at the time. Still do, a very good friend! Anyway, her friend was teasing her and I took offense to that because she was my friend, and wasn’t about to sit by and allow mean things to be said. There was an apple pie sitting by me…no seriously, it was an apple pie, not a comedy sketch. I picked it up, got his attention and smacked it into his chest.

He was livid with what I had done, and walked off. I’m not sure if Charley or Alice stayed with me and explained that he was joking around (you’d think with different hair-colours I could tell the difference :P), but either way I said sorry for what I did, though we do laugh about it now. Still, it highlights a point, me included, that sometimes understanding language is not an easy thing. We can misconstrue what’s being meant as a joke, and lash out even if we mean to protect ourselves or friends in the process. I can still have some difficulty, like I said, understanding the joke at first before it simply springs to mind.

It can be particulary difficult especially with family. In the past and now, my brother Huw teases me a good amount. For me, I could not for the life of me fathom why I was being teased, and just hated it because I believed at the time it was just nasty to do, and therefore swore off people who did that. That is a thing autistic people should be helped to understand, that people tease not because they’re being nasty, but out of affection and having a bit of fun. Now me and him tease each other constantly, more me wishing I could come up with more witty remarks to show off against the little git. Actually he is little…..HA! He’s little. I’m so awesome. You know what’d be more awesome? Using an apple pie on Kate Hopkin’s face. I’d just laugh.

Yes you Katie...Just stand there while I sort this catapult out

So my suggestion for autistic people understanding jokes, is to help them better understanding them. Don’t just leave them in the dark whatever the case, TELL and SHOW them the difference between what is teasing, what is being nasty, explaining the meaning behind words and idioms etc. I’ve had this too many times when people just don’t explain the joke to me in the past, and I do find this difficult still. But again it doesn’t mean I don’t understand jokes now. On the contrary, Mibs says I have a great sense of humour now. Which was probably the biggest mistake she’s ever made ;) silly girl! It may be difficult depending how deep the literal understanding of language goes, and even some autistic people may never grasp the concept of joking, but trust me, if you can get your brother, sister, child, cousin, little monkey to laugh, you’re obviously going in the right direction.

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Other Tid-bits:

Besides those possible three points of my own personal autism, there are a few other bits that should be mentioned, especially some traits that are connected to me. Some things, I have a feeling, may not be connected to autism so much. They may well be different to how autism works altogether, but it may give an impression, and maybe a link, to see how an autistic mind can work.

One of my own personal autistic traits that I have gone a bit into already in the repetitive section is retaining various pieces of information in memory, most of which I have an invested interest in. One of my favourite subjects in the entire world since childhood has been history. There’s always something interesting about the past, whether it’s finding out there’s a lot more layers to certain events then you thought possible, or the different people that have affected this country to make it the fascinating and hopping mad country it is today.

One of the things I’ve always been be able is list off the top of my head the Kings and Queens of England. Just England mind, and only from William the Conqueror onwards, I was a kid when I learned them, be fair. I’d do the list for you, except I don’t want to be accused of cheating. This is being typed after all. You’re way better off asking me in person. The only thing is I’ve only realised now I’ve never thought added Edward the Confessor and Harold II to my list, despite knowing about them. I’m a fraud! No! I think I can make this up, by saying I’m not limited to knowing about Kings and Queens, there are many parts of history I can point out in terms of years, different people that existed. Just try me in person too, and I’ll show off like that. Just need to make sure that if doing a quiz, you really should your…(ahem)…teammates to stick with you. If not you can rub it in their faces for being WRONG!

Though not sure if bats would count as rodents back then, I’m sure that fine gentleman made a great mark despite not existing for the odd 900 years, when the Bayeux Tapestry was made. Oh well.

This can relate to a secondary school boy on ‘Living with Autism’ I mentioned earlier. He had this ability to when he was asked a specific date in the past, he would literally say what actual day it fell on. No seriously, you’ll have to find a clip on YouTube or other video sites to believe it. I’m not sure myself why this is the case to retain specific pieces of information, but for me it seemed to connected to long-term memory when we have a vested interest in something. It just really pops into our heads, to be able to show that we are just like any other intelligent human, as we read things back on ourselves and repeatedly push it into her heads, in my case at least.

Some autistics may even have a bad short-term memory, not remembering events from their own lives. I would say that’s not really a case with me at times. I don’t really remember a time when I cannot remember something that happened only the day before. Perhaps it depends on the situation of where you are, and remembering all sorts of different bits and bobs. I don’t know, I’m not an expert in memory.

Another thing I have noticed at times is sometimes being upset, and staying in that mindset for perhaps a whole day. This is a feeling that had come back every so often at specific points, whether it’s been at work, at school or university etc, and I think it connects back to my feeling too much emotion, allowing it to take over and stick rooted to the spot. Yes, we all get pissed off about something and try to keep ourselves steady while blasting off about said something to friends, family etc, and then moving on. For me, I can be upset about something, but then I remain upset. No shifting on to something else, it will stay with me for a good while throughout the day, continuing to focus on the problem and not much on anything else.

Many times this can be because I am trying to figure a problem out and won’t give up until sorted, or because I just feel like everything’s gone wrong and refuse to get out of the emotion, either when I’m tired or just really feel upset about things. Going back to connecting with feeling too much, it can be getting wrapped up in what I’m thinking and going back and forth in my head to sort it out, to make sure it’s sorted. The problem is, with me, it never feels sorted. Yet the more I stayed in that mind-set, the less it meant really confronting the problem and going around the same issue in my head.

One thing I had learned in trying to do is not see it as a constant battle in your head. Once I get an idea in my head, I don’t fight it. I’m only really fighting myself, and that just takes up too much time, especially when Game of Thrones is on. See what’s going on in my head, but try not to react to it. Instead I figure out what I know, and use that as a guide while letting the thought just simply stay around until it naturally goes. Think of it like a pet that comes into the room, and leaves of its own accord. I do not suggest this as THE WAY for anyone else unless they feel this has worked for them. I’m sorry if you don’t fully understand where I’m coming from, believe me it wasn’t easy getting my head around how to describe my way in a different light.

Those are just a couple tid-bits though that some autistic people might relate to. While I’m feeling the impact of my own reactions less, it can be still be a bit affective in me changing my emotional state when I may not fully understand a situation. But I am finding myself and trying to understand when something is a joke, or not giving a thought so much attention then I need to. Totally not worried about my short-term memory though! I’ll make sure I won’t forget this anytime soon.

Some days...




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So that is pretty much a wrap on my sequel blog.

I hope this has opened your eyes a little into understanding some of the traits of autism, and how they have worked in relation to me, and possibly a few other autistic people out there. Autism can be confusing at first because it looks so broad as a spectrum with the amount of traits there are. But here’s one way of thinking about it: Like personalities, you’d be hard-pressed to find someone exactly like you in every way. People are unique in their own way, and it’s the same with autism. So many traits, and so few to make up part of who one is. I have my traits, there’ll be someone who’ll have theirs.

The thing about autism is that some people may view it as ‘living in a different world’, because of the various traits we show, and showing disinterest in different things. While it may be true for some autistic who may not talk ever, feel uncomfortable with different things, and won’t be able to understand how the world works, I wouldn’t say that for myself. Being right at the top of the spectrum, I’d say I have a good idea of how the world works, have a social life with the best of friends I could ask for (even if one is a Disney loving woman child……erm I mean, most lovely person in the world! Honest! Saying that so I don’t get beaten up!), and though I do tend to get wrapped up in many different things, it doesn’t mean I’m stuck like that forever. It just means I don’t tend to notice doing things differently. Now I am trying to give different things a go, because I want to give myself a different experience of things, even if I don’t like it in the end. Like coffee. Bleugh!

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, I am from Planet Awesome. Because shut up.

On a final note, last year I did put across that though I am human, I said to never forget that I am autistic. My feeling now is that yes I am autistic, but it is part of who I am as a bigger picture. I am as human as anybody else, as human as Alice, as human as my parents, as human as anybody else. I am a unique person in the world. Autism is something that needs to be better known, emphasis on need (infinity). But it is a part who I am as a human, and we shouldn’t just be judged on that alone. I’ve made mistakes, and I’m sure I’ll probably make more in future.

Perhaps if I end with a question and answer…What is autism? Autism is part of being human. It may be experienced by only a few people, but for some it makes them who they are. It’s who I am, and I wouldn’t change it for better or worse. Well except to annoy Alice more, but that’s what best friends are for!

We will show you who we are, if you help us find the gaps.



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