Welcome back to the Randomizer, and to the first official sequel piece for my blog!
You may remember over a year ago, that I talked about a
subject matter that is very important to me: Autism, and the different events
I’ve gone through in my life where I was particulary affected by. I will admit,
the amount of comments I have had from Facebook, close friends and family was
an absolute high for me, and I am really grateful for the support I received.
So this year, I decided to do another piece about my autism, this time focusing
on what autistic traits I have.
I will admit, I’m not as scared going into details as I was
last year. Maybe it’s because I feel more confident talking about it on here,
and in person if the opportunity arises, to show how autism works in so many
different ways for different people. Just the other day I was talking to my old
primary school teacher about what I was like as a child, and about old memories
from school. I was a mother-fucking angel of course. No question.
In seriousness, there is a stigma attached to autism still
that has yet to be fully admonished. There are many people around the world who
still don’t know what it is, and don’t always understand how it fully works. It’s
the same with probably any kind of learning disability like dyslexia,
dysprasia, Down’s Syndrome etc, that autistic children and adults are not
disciplined in anyway, that we aren’t able to talk with people, that we live in
our own world. This article will more than happily flip that stigma over, and
ignore it with the good graces of awesomeness while walking over it with nice
heavy boots.
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| Platforms just to be sure... |
So please, carry on reading, and gain more understanding in
how autism can work.
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Autism is officially known as a lifelong disability, a
hidden one at that. It affects the way of communicating with people, relating
with people and how we make sense of the world around us, yet we don’t look
disabled, like someone who is using a wheelchair. For many people who know about
autism, it shows how our brains are wired differently, not just literally but
because to talk about autism is to talk about a whole spectrum.
The autistic spectrum shows that though there are similar
traits between various autistic people, those traits affect us in many
different ways. There are three main focal points:
-Social Communication
‘For people with autistic spectrum disorders, body language
can appear as foreign as if people were speaking Ancient Greek’ (autism.org.uk)
This is the first major difficulty that some people can
have.
One is we have a very literal way of interpreting language
and words, taking what is said right on the nose. This is something I still
have some difficulty with to a point. If I was in a conversation with someone,
one word will lead me into the direction of thinking, ‘wait that doesn’t make
sense’, thinking of it in literal terms. Then I will realise it won’t mean that
one thing specifically, more an interpretation of what is meant. I used to have
this problem with jokes that comedians can tell because they did fly over my
head like that, but my understanding of the jokes and the situations that arise
from them has become a lot more better overtime.
Another difficulty we can have is speech patterns. Some people
will never be able to talk, or communicate very little to those around them.
They may understand what is being said but can use other ways of communicating,
using sign language or visual symbols. Other will be able to talk, but there is
the subject of give-or-take conversations, where one might repeat what the
other person has said, or talk at length about their own interests instead of
taking an interest in the other person. This is something I had done in the
past, and to a point still happen now, where my interests can overwhelm the
conversation. It’s something I have tried to improve on, and it has helped me
gain a better understanding and interest into the people around me.
The third is a non-desire to communicate with other people.
I can be like this when at times around family and others. The best example is
when I have my headphones in and listening to music (headphones that have not been
destroyed at least). It’s not like I try to be rude and not partake in
conversation, just misinterpretation to think we’re being anti-social. But I
think this has lessened somewhat in my experience and I make an effort to try
and listen to what’s being said now. I can’t say for any other autistic people
obviously.
-Social Interaction
The second difficulty is social interaction with people in
general. This connects with communication to a point, but also in ways of
recognising other people’s emotional states, and recognising our own in the
process.
First is the unwritten social rules that autistic people do
not pick up as readily as most people. This may involve standing too close to
people, invading their ‘personal space’, or starting an inappropriate topic of
conversation. Some of you may remember I talked about my feelings about how
autistic people don’t always manage to ‘fit’ into society. This I will come to
later on in the blog.
Second, we might appear insensitive because we don’t always
recognise how other people can be feeling, and appear inappropriate with our
reactions. One example I mentioned last year was of a video of a woman who was
dumped by her boyfriend being comforted by her friends, asking why he had done
so. An autistic man who had joined them at table said perhaps the boyfriend
thought she was ugly, and gets stared by everyone. It’s still a good example
because we don’t mean to say something like that on purpose, we just give an
answer that may sound insensitive, which of course isn’t the intention. It’s
one of those traits some autistic people will have difficulty.
Third, some may prefer to spend time alone, opposed to
hanging out with other people. Again while some autistic people will be this
way, that doesn’t mean we don’t want anybody’s company. I’d still be buggered
if I didn’t have my friends, work mates and family to relate to. One of my
closest friends from college, Mibs Bayliss (who makes a return to being
mentioned in the blog yay!) understands how autism works, and I’ve managed to
live with her for over eight years. How she has put up with me, I have no idea.
Magic presumably.
-Social Imagination
The third and last main point of autism is social
imagination.
Firstly it can be difficult for autistic people to understand
what people are thinking in the moment, how they are feeling and what they will
do next. This connects with social interaction to a point, because like I said,
we may not recognise how people are feeling etc. I had some problem with this
to a point last year, because on Facebook or talking with someone, I won’t
always recognise how people are feeling. But I think I have improved on this
slightly. Only once have I wondered if someone was being sarcastic or not on a
Facebook comment in the past few months. Also I can still give out big Wookie
Cuddles if I need to. Free of charge of course.
Secondly, some may find it out to engage into imaginative
play. One example I do remember vividly is from a Horizon documentary, Living
with Autism. For normal or neurotypical (I’m not very fond of the term) kids,
they had a box, with a red ship inside, and they had to tap three times on top
of the box to get it out, as shown by an adult. Autistic kids saw the adult do
it first, then got the ship out because they knew it was in there anyway. No
way does this mean some kids are idiots, they just don’t recognise how to use
our imaginations. For me personally, this hasn’t been much of a problem,
playing an old spy game with an old primary school friend, and of course writing
stories.
Lastly, some autistics have difficulty in planning for the
future or other unpredicted events, using a routine to help focus on what will
happen for each day. In some way this is one of the better known traits,
because perhaps for many autistics, change can be unnerving and hard to deal
with, instead having a steady plan to deal with stressful issues. This hasn’t
really affected me too much, though there have been situations when I have felt
the routine broken, which I will come to soon.
-Other Characteristics
Besides the main three points, there are three more
recognisable traits about autism that I mentioned last year.
One is sensory sensitivity. This trait can affect any one of
the main five senses: Touch, Smell, Sight, Taste, and Sound, ranging from an
hypersensitive feeling (overwhelming) to an hypo-sensitive feeling
(underwhelming). For example, if an autistic person were to hear a specific
sound, they will find it unbearable to listen to and even feel sick hearing it,
or may not feel anything at all. This also applies to certain types of clothing
that may FEEL unbearable to take.
Another is specialist interests, that many autistic people
have close to their hearts. They can range through anything: Comic Books to
Music, Films to Computers, anything you can really think of. I’ve not much
different, though instead of having one specific interest during my life, I
have a variety of different interests over the years, some of which again I
will come to later in this blog.
Lastly is a term that probably many of you will know:
Asperger’s Syndrome. It is a form of autism that shares many traits from the
three main points. The main difference between the two is that people with
Asperger’s tend to have fewer problems in speech instead of delayed speech at a
young age and will have average or above average intelligence. The problem at
the moment is that that’s the only fine line between them, so you’d have to be
an expert to know the difference. I still have some trouble differenting between
the two.
So that’s a first-step knowledge of what autism is about.
Imagine if a brain was a Lego block coloured blue, and there were little red
pieces that fitted in there, different for any autistic person. That’s what
autism is. We’re all different in many ways to each other and there is no one
defining feature about the spectrum. Some TV shows, films and other media will
give an understanding into how autism works, but the thing we may forget is
that we’re ALL different.
Thus we come to the main part of the article: My autistic
traits.
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1.
Lack of emotion…or too much?
One of the points that has been associated with autism for a
while, and what I have noticed, is the apparent lack of emotion we have, that
we simply don’t express emotion at all, or that we cannot express it while
being confused by what other people are feeling. Nope. Sorry, but in my
experience as far as I can remember back, I have not shown much lack of emotion
at all. In fact, it’s always been quite the opposite: to feel too much emotion,
or perhaps unable to express it in a “healthy” manner.
One example I’m going to give is about one of my closest and
best friends Alice Beadle. She’s a very sweet person with a similar sense of
humour to me, a total awesome geek, and I just enjoy her company. Whenever she’s
been in a rough patch, I have tried to be there for her in any capacity I can
be, either by phone or just being there in person when she needs support, and
she’s done the same for me too, been supportive when I needed someone to talk
to. But we both know I have a tendency to over-worry on a situation when
perhaps I didn’t need to, at times of course.
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| Yea we're posing here, but she's definately thinking 'I'm going to get revenge for that Disney Loving Woman-Child remark' |
Worrying is seen as part of how autism works, and I think it is part of the trait to feel a great deal of emotion at least with me. It’s not just with friends or family, I can worry about a multiple number of things, like sometimes picking up the phone if it’s a number I don’t recognise, or trying to get plates cleaned up at work so I can try and sit down to eat. I suppose it is part of a routine I imposed on myself, perhaps unintentionally. In the past, I did get wrapped in my own anxiety, a lot. There was a time when I just remember fighting myself in my head, all I really did was play FIFA 06 on my Playstation 2 a lot, almost every day before I went to college. It’s like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, as Mibs has mentioned to me.
Another emotion that has been a big part in my life, is
anger. Believe me, the number of times I have been frustrated by something I
didn’t fully understand, or being pissed off at jokes and many things reaches
probably 534. That’s not a number I picked out at random, honest! I was
discussing this the other day with my old primary school, Mr Irishman (code
name for in case people hunt my blood), and he says there were many times where
I did get angry because I couldn’t fully grasp something, and found it difficult
either to explain what I mean, or found it frustrating to not understand a
particular situation. Nowadays, I try not to be angry at people, and make
better strides to control myself in different situations. Just a few weeks ago,
someone at work had made a joke about people having heart attacks, and while
that did upset me for a moment, I knew it wasn’t meant maliciously, and didn’t
raise the situation further.
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| ...yet |
I won’t go into so much detail about how much more my emotions can be quite dominate, but I think those are good examples about how there might be a discord in how some autistic people and their minds are able to express these emotions in a capable and individual manner. For me, those emotions can be quite intense and will come across as, for lack of a better word, explosive.
My anger in particular can be destructive, if a point arises
when nothing has been explained properly on either side. That’s what happened
the last time I fully blew up, and what I found is that both sides in a
conversation need to understand what is being said, otherwise everything just
falls apart. Other than that, I’d say my anger is, mostly, under control. My
anxiety however has been more of a focal point in recent times, and it’s
something I need to understand a bit more and try to not let myself be
overwhelmed by. Any help is appreciated!
I won’t go into so much detail about the other emotions that
can be particulary ‘explosive’, but those two I think are the main emotions,
certainly with me. I’m not going to say it’s wrong to worry about friends who
need you to listen when they need it, or feel angry about things. It’s human
nature to do that. But sometimes it can be a case about keeping a calm head and
let those emotions out on the particular situation, like a scale of 1-10
perhaps depending what the situation is. Still it is great to be there for
someone when they need you, even if you can be a tad too much in worrying
(ahemmotherlockshousebecauserobbersthatdon’texistinvillageahem).
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2.
Repetition
Repetition is also one of the defining traits of autism,
depending on what the person does. It can include either hands flapping back
and forth, rocking your head back and forth, jumping up and down, using an
object to play with, etc. While I did understand some of these repetitive
behaviours in other people when their senses are overwhelmed, what I was
surprised to see is the different ways it could affect how an autistic DEALS
with a situation: either to gain sensory input by showing interest, helps keep
calm when a particular point is overwhelming i.e. with one of the five senses,
to deal with stress and keep certain about something, or perhaps they enjoy
something in particular.
For me, repetition is definitely something many people will
notice perhaps if they had a secret camera in my room. In which case, you’re
sued. While it’s not anything like hand-flapping, it’s more pronounced in watching
stuff on YouTube, researching into stuff that I am interested in, playing on
video games, listening to music etc because they are things I do enjoy doing,
while also being a little bit distracting to what I should be doing.
One example is looking into how ITV used to work in the past
before 2004. It wouldn’t be something I would personally give out, because it’s
a feeling that no one else would be as perhaps, lack of a wrong word,
‘obsessive with’. But if I did want to talk about it, it would be something
like: ITV was originally made up of different franchises by many production
companies, hence Thames Television, London Weekend Television, Central
Television etc. But in 1991, many rules regarding the franchises were relaxed,
and companies started to take each other over, ending eventually in 2004 when
Granada and Carlton Television merged to form ITV plc. That would be the short
version of it.
In fact, if I was interested in one particular subject, I
will think about going to look it up and again in future, more because I can
simply enjoy it. Perhaps as well when I am in a state of working on my novel, I
do tend to go on Facebook as a means to relieve the stress, I guess this is
because I’m used to going on it quite a lot as a default mode, instead leading
myself to thinking it as distracting myself. Yes it doesn’t help from my work,
but I can see as it may lead me away for about 5 minutes to run things over in
my head.
Another form of repetition I can do is the repeating of
scripts from films and TV shows. I have this ability whenever I watch something
a multiple number of times, I can literally try and revise the script out loud,
for probably around 80 percent matching power. This was more promenant when I
was younger, and I can still show it off somehow, out loud. That’s where a
problem can lay, because I have been called on for talking to myself, and
getting funny looks. There is a difference between learning scripts from
repetitive watching and asking myself what the time is out loud to give myself
an answer. Just understand I don’t talk to myself, but just act out the parts
that many others may do so. To be honest, I don’t do it around friends or
family much because it’s not something I like to do. It’s something I more or
less keep to myself in my time. Still, I think I deserve an Oscar for such work
actually.
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| Next year maybe, when the world sees my talent |
One last form of repetition I can do, but not so much, is
jump around. Whenever I’m in a moment of watching something, or thinking about
where I’m going in my novel, I act those scenes out with my body, like jumping
around the living room to an action scene, using my arms, pacing about, or
acting out instruments when listening to music etc. Maybe this is more of an
over-stimulation thing perhaps, like ‘in the moment’ because again those are
things connected to what I like to do, watching films, writing and listening to
music. I get caught up in the time and just develop things in my head. At times
it has helped me seek through ideas, it’s probably not helpful in the sense
that jumping around in the living room will result in something breaking. Again,
it’s not something I do every time, only when I’m thinking of a particular
story mostly nowadays, and developing how things go in my mind.
Those are my aspects of repetition, and like I said, while these things have stayed with me since forever, I have grown for the most part out of them. Slowly mind. Repetition is part of an autistic mind regardless of what interests we have. It can be difficult to understand at first, because perhaps it’s a different way of expressing how we show our emotional state, happy or sad or whatever we feel. But of course it’s the uniqueness of the repetition in some people. I have my way, other autistic people have their ways. Just maybe ask if you seeing something ‘strange’. Asking goes a long way.
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| Please sir, I want to understand... |
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3.
Joking…or am I?
Going back to one autistic trait of interpretating language,
some autistic people do have a literal way of understanding words and to a
point not understand a joke. This was apparent to Hans Asperger (the man who
invented the term ‘Asperger’s Syndrome’) who claimed that those who had
Asperger’s, did not understand jokes. For me personally, understanding jokes
when I was younger was very difficult.
The number of times when I couldn’t understand jokes, I can’t
even begin to list them, but I can show examples. It’s all I ever do, I’m so
boring sorry! When at secondary school, there was one kid who was older than
me, and kept saying to me as a joke ‘I’m gonna tell on you’. For me as an 11
year old, and unknowing of my autistic diagnosis, it was very upsetting at the
time, because of my literal interpretation of it. That’s not to say it was my
fault at all, far from it. It just was a severe lack of communication between
people who didn’t know anything about autism to start with. But that example is
pure spot on about how we see language.
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| He's not laughing at the joke, he's just a very good observer |
Another example is when I was at the Download Festival a few
years ago, and an incident which Alice and her red-headed, Twilight-hating (:D)
and equally awesome sister Charley Beadle were sort of involved in, and were
quick to remind me after the first autism blog. A friend of theirs had come
along too in a camp close by (I think) and he was teasing Charley quite a bit.
Now I had known Charley about a year or two and thought her a good friend at
the time. Still do, a very good friend! Anyway, her friend was teasing her and
I took offense to that because she was my friend, and wasn’t about to sit by
and allow mean things to be said. There was an apple pie sitting by me…no
seriously, it was an apple pie, not a comedy sketch. I picked it up, got his
attention and smacked it into his chest.
He was livid with what I had done, and walked off. I’m not
sure if Charley or Alice stayed with me and explained that he was joking around
(you’d think with different hair-colours I could tell the difference :P), but
either way I said sorry for what I did, though we do laugh about it now. Still,
it highlights a point, me included, that sometimes understanding language is
not an easy thing. We can misconstrue what’s being meant as a joke, and lash
out even if we mean to protect ourselves or friends in the process. I can still
have some difficulty, like I said, understanding the joke at first before it simply
springs to mind.
It can be particulary difficult especially with family. In
the past and now, my brother Huw teases me a good amount. For me, I could not
for the life of me fathom why I was being teased, and just hated it because I
believed at the time it was just nasty to do, and therefore swore off people
who did that. That is a thing autistic people should be helped to understand,
that people tease not because they’re being nasty, but out of affection and having
a bit of fun. Now me and him tease each other constantly, more me wishing I
could come up with more witty remarks to show off against the little git. Actually
he is little…..HA! He’s little. I’m so awesome. You know what’d be more
awesome? Using an apple pie on Kate Hopkin’s face. I’d just laugh.
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| Yes you Katie...Just stand there while I sort this catapult out |
So my suggestion for autistic people understanding jokes, is
to help them better understanding them. Don’t just leave them in the dark
whatever the case, TELL and SHOW them the difference between what is teasing,
what is being nasty, explaining the meaning behind words and idioms etc. I’ve
had this too many times when people just don’t explain the joke to me in the
past, and I do find this difficult still. But again it doesn’t mean I don’t
understand jokes now. On the contrary, Mibs says I have a great sense of humour
now. Which was probably the biggest mistake she’s ever made ;) silly girl! It
may be difficult depending how deep the literal understanding of language goes,
and even some autistic people may never grasp the concept of joking, but trust
me, if you can get your brother, sister, child, cousin, little monkey to laugh,
you’re obviously going in the right direction.
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Other Tid-bits:
Besides those possible three points of my own personal
autism, there are a few other bits that should be mentioned, especially some traits
that are connected to me. Some things, I have a feeling, may not be connected
to autism so much. They may well be different to how autism works altogether,
but it may give an impression, and maybe a link, to see how an autistic mind
can work.
One of my own personal autistic traits that I have gone a
bit into already in the repetitive section is retaining various pieces of
information in memory, most of which I have an invested interest in. One of my
favourite subjects in the entire world since childhood has been history. There’s
always something interesting about the past, whether it’s finding out there’s a
lot more layers to certain events then you thought possible, or the different
people that have affected this country to make it the fascinating and hopping
mad country it is today.
One of the things I’ve always been be able is list off the
top of my head the Kings and Queens of England. Just England mind, and only
from William the Conqueror onwards, I was a kid when I learned them, be fair. I’d
do the list for you, except I don’t want to be accused of cheating. This is
being typed after all. You’re way better off asking me in person. The only
thing is I’ve only realised now I’ve never thought added Edward the Confessor
and Harold II to my list, despite knowing about them. I’m a fraud! No! I think
I can make this up, by saying I’m not limited to knowing about Kings and
Queens, there are many parts of history I can point out in terms of years,
different people that existed. Just try me in person too, and I’ll show off
like that. Just need to make sure that if doing a quiz, you really should your…(ahem)…teammates
to stick with you. If not you can rub it in their faces for being WRONG!
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| Though not sure if bats would count as rodents back then, I’m sure that fine gentleman made a great mark despite not existing for the odd 900 years, when the Bayeux Tapestry was made. Oh well. |
This can relate to a secondary school boy on ‘Living with
Autism’ I mentioned earlier. He had this ability to when he was asked a
specific date in the past, he would literally say what actual day it fell on.
No seriously, you’ll have to find a clip on YouTube or other video sites to
believe it. I’m not sure myself why this is the case to retain specific pieces
of information, but for me it seemed to connected to long-term memory when we
have a vested interest in something. It just really pops into our heads, to be
able to show that we are just like any other intelligent human, as we read things
back on ourselves and repeatedly push it into her heads, in my case at least.
Some autistics may even have a bad short-term memory, not
remembering events from their own lives. I would say that’s not really a case
with me at times. I don’t really remember a time when I cannot remember
something that happened only the day before. Perhaps it depends on the
situation of where you are, and remembering all sorts of different bits and
bobs. I don’t know, I’m not an expert in memory.
Another thing I have noticed at times is sometimes being
upset, and staying in that mindset for perhaps a whole day. This is a feeling
that had come back every so often at specific points, whether it’s been at
work, at school or university etc, and I think it connects back to my feeling
too much emotion, allowing it to take over and stick rooted to the spot. Yes,
we all get pissed off about something and try to keep ourselves steady while
blasting off about said something to friends, family etc, and then moving on.
For me, I can be upset about something, but then I remain upset. No shifting on
to something else, it will stay with me for a good while throughout the day, continuing
to focus on the problem and not much on anything else.
Many times this can be because I am trying to figure a
problem out and won’t give up until sorted, or because I just feel like
everything’s gone wrong and refuse to get out of the emotion, either when I’m
tired or just really feel upset about things. Going back to connecting with feeling
too much, it can be getting wrapped up in what I’m thinking and going back and
forth in my head to sort it out, to make sure it’s sorted. The problem is, with
me, it never feels sorted. Yet the more I stayed in that mind-set, the less it
meant really confronting the problem and going around the same issue in my
head.
One thing I had learned in trying to do is not see it as a
constant battle in your head. Once I get an idea in my head, I don’t fight it.
I’m only really fighting myself, and that just takes up too much time,
especially when Game of Thrones is on. See what’s going on in my head, but try not
to react to it. Instead I figure out what I know, and use that as a guide while
letting the thought just simply stay around until it naturally goes. Think of
it like a pet that comes into the room, and leaves of its own accord. I do not
suggest this as THE WAY for anyone else unless they feel this has worked for
them. I’m sorry if you don’t fully understand where I’m coming from, believe me
it wasn’t easy getting my head around how to describe my way in a different
light.
Those are just a couple tid-bits though that some autistic
people might relate to. While I’m feeling the impact of my own reactions less,
it can be still be a bit affective in me changing my emotional state when I may
not fully understand a situation. But I am finding myself and trying to
understand when something is a joke, or not giving a thought so much attention
then I need to. Totally not worried about my short-term memory though! I’ll
make sure I won’t forget this anytime soon.
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| Some days... |
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So that is pretty much a wrap on my sequel blog.
I hope this has opened your eyes a little into understanding
some of the traits of autism, and how they have worked in relation to me, and
possibly a few other autistic people out there. Autism can be confusing at
first because it looks so broad as a spectrum with the amount of traits there
are. But here’s one way of thinking about it: Like personalities, you’d be
hard-pressed to find someone exactly like you in every way. People are unique
in their own way, and it’s the same with autism. So many traits, and so few to
make up part of who one is. I have my traits, there’ll be someone who’ll have
theirs.
The thing about autism is that some people may view it as ‘living
in a different world’, because of the various traits we show, and showing
disinterest in different things. While it may be true for some autistic who may
not talk ever, feel uncomfortable with different things, and won’t be able to
understand how the world works, I wouldn’t say that for myself. Being right at the
top of the spectrum, I’d say I have a good idea of how the world works, have a
social life with the best of friends I could ask for (even if one is a Disney
loving woman child……erm I mean, most lovely person in the world! Honest! Saying
that so I don’t get beaten up!), and though I do tend to get wrapped up in many
different things, it doesn’t mean I’m stuck like that forever. It just means I don’t
tend to notice doing things differently. Now I am trying to give different
things a go, because I want to give myself a different experience of things,
even if I don’t like it in the end. Like coffee. Bleugh!
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| Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, I am from Planet Awesome. Because shut up. |
On a final note, last year I did put across that though I am
human, I said to never forget that I am autistic. My feeling now is that yes I
am autistic, but it is part of who I am as a bigger picture. I am as human as
anybody else, as human as Alice, as human as my parents, as human as anybody
else. I am a unique person in the world. Autism is something that needs to be better
known, emphasis on need (infinity). But it is a part who I am as a human, and
we shouldn’t just be judged on that alone. I’ve made mistakes, and I’m sure I’ll
probably make more in future.
Perhaps if I end with a question and answer…What is autism?
Autism is part of being human. It may be experienced by only a few people, but
for some it makes them who they are. It’s who I am, and I wouldn’t change it
for better or worse. Well except to annoy Alice more, but that’s what best friends
are for!
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| We will show you who we are, if you help us find the gaps. |
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