The Irish Traditional Music Pub Crawl

Welcome back to the Randomizer!

After my small stint in jail for crimes against Monty Python as you may remember from last night, I noted that my next article will be in disguise as a feature on Irish Traditional Music. Well here it is!

Irish Traditional Music and Song is a very powerful form in its own right. As a genre, it has stirred the political hearts of men and women, showed mournful ballads that have been replicated throughout the world in different languages, and given its homeland a sense of national pride in its wake. Certain bands like The Chieftains, Thin Lizzy and The Dubliners have played and recreated classic Irish folk tunes to dance and party along to in various circumstances, but of course there are songs that define the political tensions that Ireland and Great Britain have shared with each other for a very long time, with the revolutionary attempt in the Irish summer of 1798, to the gaining of the Irish Free State independence after two years war against Britain after World War I, and more recently for those of a certain generation, living through the period known simply as 'The Troubles'

Being descended from an Irish ancestor, I have been given a contract of bragging rights in liking Irish Traditional Music, only superseded by someone with an Irish family member, or by an actual Irish person. That should be a rule if it hasn't been implemented! Anyway, my taste for Irish Traditional Music has been a long time coming, since oddly enough hearing it first and foremost from the Folk Metal Band Cruachan. Little did I realise at the time that one of their songs from the album 'Folk-Lore' would become one of my favourite tracks, which I will come to in time.

Since then, I have immersed myself into this part of Irish culture to an extent, enjoying and being intrigued by the people or peoples who inspired such songs, and today I want to share that experience with you all. My hope for you is you will find this a fun little article in exploring the historical inspiring music and share my favourite tracks with you all so far. Irish Traditional Music is becoming a big passion for me in learning about the various track origins, how they're composed and how influential they have become, turning the genre into a worldwide cultural phenomenon. So let's get our shoes on and take the rocky road to Irish Traditional Song.

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First things first, let's stop for a Guinness at this pub here, and I'll tell how I got into Irish Traditional Music in the first place, and talk about the various Marches of Ireland's Past.

(Just a little trivia: Guinness should only be drunken in Ireland as a rule in life, not just for around the world).

You remember my 'Get Drunk and Listen to Folk Metal' article from last year? If you haven't, what are you waiting for? If you have, well done!

Cruachan was one of the bands I talked about from that article, one album being 'Folk-Lore', the other being 'Blood on the Black Robe'. While 'Folk-Lore was the first album I brought, I thought the songs were of original material, not with a few song covers throughout. Little did I know. But 'Blood on the Black Robe' was the first album that got me into Irish Traditional music, because of this little beauty here:

Brian Boru's March is quite the epic track. The drumming, the guitar, everything about it is so awesome!

However as I discovered last year after buying the album, this is just one version of the song. Looking up on YouTube and other sites, it is possible that this particular song, among others, is actually over one thousand years old. You read right, 1000 years.

Brian Boru was High King of Ireland in the 11^th century, defeating an Irish-Viking alliance at Clontarf in 1014, 12 years after he became king. It might be possible that the song sprung about then or at some point during his reign. However, this is all speculation and there is no concrete evidence that the song was sung then, though there might be the point that songs weren't necessarily written down and everybody who knew the tune and play an instrument could do it. I took it as the song being made at his time period and surviving for many generations to this day, so I would like to stick by that assumption, at least until further notice.

The song itself has been covered by numerous musicians. One famous version is by The Chieftains, which I found on YouTube.

I like this version, hearing nice rhythm of the drums at the back, and the pipes that are a constant until near the end when it's replaced with a nice flute. I'm not sure what the pipes actually are, but as a guess they might be Uilleann pipes, simply because The Chieftains are Irish. I don't like it as much as the Cruachan cover, but it's still an enjoyable traditional version to listen to. In one way, it gives you a sense of history into hearing what  the song could have sounded like in the intervening 1000 years, which might have been possible with the flute, though the Uilleann Pipes were not invented until much later.

One particular instrument it might have been first played on is the Celtic Harp, as played recently by Loreena McKennit from her album, The Wind That Shakes The Barley:

Hearing this version all the way through only on Tuesday, it is very well done. The harp fades into the background somewhat after the beginning, but you can still pick it up at different points amongst the violin, flute, concentina, and even a banjo is thrown in there (to me it sounded like one). I think I'm starting to like this version too because the way McKennit played it harboured a kind of beauty in it, very soft and fantasy like. Compared to the tone of Cruachan and The Chieftains, theirs is more aggressive and perhaps more prideful, echoing the fact the song is purely Irish at heart. You can hear the nationality grow out of McKennit's version I think, but the mixture of instruments give it a unique kind of flavour. No doubt I'll be adding it to my song selections in future.

In addition to this legendary High King of Ireland, other chieftain clans have their own specialised march songs. One song I came across on YouTube was O'Neill's Calvary March, played by Sean O'Riada in this video.

From the onset, you can hear the intense delivery from the drumming of the popular Irish instrument, the bodrain, as the flutes build up the angry, commanding power and finally all other instruments come in for the crescendo about a minute into the song, not stopping for you to catch your breath until right at the end. Like Brian Boru's March, it could have a long history, dating even further back to the 10^th century with the rise of the O'Neill clan as Kings of Ulster, lasting until the early 1600s. I don't know if it will appeal for many people's taste in music because of the fast paced rhythm and non-stop playing, but for me it isn't a bad song. The flute playing is lovely, and the pipes in the middle really grip you with its majesty. But I will admit it never really gripped me as much as Brian Boru's March did, probably because of the particular tone O'Riada went for when he played it. I know The Chieftains have their own version, but again it felt slightly off-putting and didn't grip me again. If you like the song, good on you! May the O'Neill dynasty smile on you.

The third and final march song I will talk about is O'Sullivan's March.

Now the history behind this song I'm not too sure about, whether it has its traces from the actual O'Sullivan clan itself, or from the clan's historical march of 1603, when O'Sullivan Bere led 1,000 of his clan for safety in a harsh winter, and only a handful survived to reach a friendly rebel's castle.

I have only heard two versions from the Chieftains so far, one from their own repertoire, the other from the Rob Roy film soundtrack. But they are pretty much the same in all respects, the difference is the tone being higher in the Rob Roy version then the original. For personal preference I prefer the Rob Roy version, because it just sounds better to me.

The drumming again helps to build the song up, with the addition of more drumming thrown in, and then the pipes play, airing a sort of tragedy to you with its simple tune, then bringing in the other instruments to join  in, with the drums all the while being in the background, subtle and perhaps foreboding for what's to come. The flute-playing I like in general because there is that softness to hear for a clan eager to show off its gracefulness, or keeping heart as its members are led through the length of Ireland. Hearing the song over and over for me, it does sound more appropriate for the March of 1603, against the forces of nature, other warring clans, and of course the English, as they are attacked over and over, only to survive by the skin of their teeth. But for the moment, it is only opinion so far so it's only as far as I can go. Still it is a nice little theory, for songs to connect with the history of people. O'Sullivan's March is a good little song, better then O'Neill's Calvary March, enjoyable to listen to, and perhaps endearingly tragic.

The Marching Songs are pretty good starting points for traditional Irish Music because in a unique way, these songs ARE Ireland;  Always connecting song and history together, representing Ireland's ability to never lose sight of its own past: proud, hurt and above all, legendary. No matter what happens for Ireland in future, it seems assured that this country will always remain constant and un-wielding in its enduring way of life.

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Right, we drained that pub of its contents, let's move down to the next one, and I'll talk about a few of the traditional songs I've heard so far.

Listening to the German medieval folk band Faun on their latest album Von Den Elben, I was made curious by their song Wilde Rose, which while had a nice tune and good intstrumentation, had the inclusion of battle sounds in. For a while I was taken aback by this track, confused at why such a sound was there.

Leaving that to one side, I did come across the track some time later without realising it until much later, under the name that may be familiar to some people: Siuil A Run.

This song in particular has become one of my favourites for its tender subject matter, and relaxed yet humbling tune. It has been covered many times in the years it has existed, with Faun as I've mentioned and Saorise in Australia, even in Japan (I think). The lyrics tell of a woman whose love has gone to war and despite being upset about it, she would sell all she had to buy him a sword of steel, and beg for bread with her petticoats red, until her parents wished her dead. Wow, I wish someone before could have said, otherwise I would have new tunes to shred, with my air guitar and pillow in my stead. (Before you asked, I cheated :P). That 's the gist of the lyrics, but there is a kind of catch: Siuil a Run can either include certain lyrics, or leave them out. Therein lies a bit of a problem, especially with its origins.

One blog claims the song dates back to around the Battle of the Boyne, where James II the ousted king of England and fellow Irish Jacobite supporters fought the newly installed William III and lost, and after signing a treaty two years later, the Jacobite army under Patrick Sarsfield left for France, referred in Irish History as the Flight of the Wild Geese. There is a verse set for the song that goes:

And now my love has gone to France

To try his fortune to advance

If he e'er comes back, tis but a chance

Now that would make sense if the soldiers who had left for France would love to return to their homeland, yet could not since English settlers had moved into Ireland some time after they left.  

There is a second theory that should be taken with a pinch of salt that it relates to Bonnie Prince Charlie, the man who returned from France to Scotland and actually invaded England successfully while English were off in Europe, only to be turned down by his own council to move onto London, and turned back into Scotland. When pursued by the English Army, he fought them at Culloden, and lost badly. He found a ship back to France and lived out the rest of his life there. I used to think that the song would have related to him, and with Jacobites living in Scotland it would make sense, except for one thing that I rather foolishly did not think of: The song is Irish. If it was Scottish, wouldn't it have been noticed in the romanticised interest surrounding the Bonnie Prince, as well as possibly being passed down in generation? In learning experience, I'm more inclined to believe the former theory now then the latter. Still whichever origin you read up on and believe, it shouldn't take away the liking for the song.

I would say the version I enjoy the most is by Connie Dover. Her voice does take some getting used to, but the music is soft and slow paced, with one of THE best sounding flutes I've ever heard. Here's the video for your viewing pleasure:

Now my next favourite is a great little track about a man who travels from his home in Tuam and ends up fighting in Liverpool with the boys from Galway. Hearing the 'Folk-Lore' album from Cruachan years back, I had little interest because I could hardly understand a word in it. But behold my ignited interest in this beauty: The Rocky Road to Dublin. Here is the High King's version so at least you can least what they're saying at least!

Written in the 19^th century, The song is about a man who leaves his home of Tuam in Galway County to become a migrant worker, travelling  through to Mulligar where he is laughed at for his clothing style, finally arriving in Dublin and his bundle being stolen, but no one can understand his Connaught accent, so he jumps onboard a ship bound for England and danced to keep his spirits. When he arrives in Liverpool, he has finally had enough of people taking the piss and flies at the jokers with his shillelagh, joined in by the boys from Galway. After that, who knows?

This has been a good song to get into because it is a fun, quite fast paced number you can belt out of your mouth in joy, tap your feet to or just full on dance in plain view of whoever happens to see you. Interestingly when researching its history, I had found that two original verses had been dropped from most of the contemporary versions it seemed, and the chorus had changed too. From the sounds of someone actually singing the original verses, they might have been hard to sing because in tune, the words can be a tongue twister. Also I have yet to find someone who can sing the original chorus, but from being used to the one I've heard, it might sound a little better than the one you can hear nowadays, but it can leave with less breath than intended. For those interested, here's the original chorus:

For it is the rocky road, here's the road to Dublin

Here's the rocky road, now fire away to Dublin

The High Kings version is one of my favourite versions of the song, because it is such a great tune to hear. The singing is really good as all four of them hold their own, and the instruments are not distracting at all, coming in at different points to add to the overall happy tune, even with a little instrumental with the violin and flute playing together. It does also have a bit of an epic feeling about it with those little whooshes that appear during one of the choruses, and in the middle of the last verse. It is one of the best songs to get into because the songs is quite clear to listen to and after a few times, you just might be able to sing along properly too!

Another version I quite like is the Liam Clancy and Tommy Makem version by, simply starting with a quick flute instrumental, before they jump headlong into the song. While not using that many instruments, it doesn't feel detracted from the experience, instead giving it a more homely feel, like if you were up at the pub or something. It did take me a while to get into it properly (though still distracted by the thought that Makem looks like William Hartnell) but I have a kind of appreciation for how well done the song is, though this one doesn't leave you with much breath afterwards. You'd probably need to use your diaphragm to its full extent.

 

The third and final song I have recently heard, but not a big fan of (yet) is The Rising of the Moon, though it is growing on me.

The song has its history in the 1798 rebellion, when the United Irishmen carried out their plans to take their country away from English control with the signal of seizing mail carts outside Dublin. Those outside the capital rose up and took the town of Wexford as a base, then won a crushing victory at Oulart, sparking new rebels to rise up around Dublin, Antrim and Down. Soon though, the rebels soon met defeat after defeat. Antrim rebels quickly drifted away as soon as they had risen, Down rebels were routed (its leader hung outside his front door), and eventually the rebellion was mercilessly pounded at Vinegar Hill. After the rebels had piked 100 loyalists to death on Wexford Bridge in response, the army gave their retribution in kind, executing the leaders. The rebellion was over, but again as so often in Irish history, blood poured around like spilled milk over the hills and shamrocks. The Irish Parliament was shut down, replaced effectively by the Offical Union with Britain only three years later. Ireland would not be independent until well over a century later.

The Rising of the Moon was written long after the actual event, by J.K. Rowling....oh sorry Casey. J.K. Casey. Easy mistake to make! The song talks of a man who meets with Sean O'Farrell at night-time(might be just a name made for the song, but someone correct me if you know better), and hears that O'Farrell has his orders to call for the pikes to come together at the old river spot , and to whistle a marching tune. Soon 1000 rebels come together, their hearts in sync to fight against the British army come daylight, and the Green Flag flying above their pikes as they strike up the marching tune and fight for freedom.

Now I have heard different variations recently. The Clancy Brothers version is very good, especially (as ever) the flute, and the singing is fantastic to hear, though as a personal preference maybe a lighter voice could be nicer but that is a nitpick. The Dubliners version though puts me off slightly, but it is still a good song. Main singer Luke Kelly's voice is powerful enough to carry the joyous patriotism recorded in the song, though the man singing in the chorus as well as Kelly is a little distracting. But so far my favourite version is by The High Kings, as they start off slowly, and build up the tune into a fast paced hit as the guitar, drumming and flute come together brilliantly and make it quite a fun little song to clap to, despite the tragic theme.

Although there is one thing I had noticed: Some of these bands have omitted the original sixth verse. The sixth verse talks about the rebels eventual defeat, but their spirits remained hearty and the song asks who will eventually rise in their footsteps at the rising of the moon. Not entirely sure why the three bands don't include the verse in the song. My guess is it could be for historical purposes since Ireland is its own country now, or perhaps when composing the song they can't fit it in anywhere. But for all intents and purpose, I'm really not complaining much, the song is still good to listen to in its contemporary manner.

Like the Marching songs, these songs endue a great connection in Ireland, not just in history, but emotionally and politically. They run a deep cord in Irish History that really I don't think can run anywhere else, especially in England at any rate (at least that's my thinking for the moment). 'Siuil a Run' and 'The Rising of the Moon' show the deep significance that Ireland has in recognising its own past, and never forgetting the tragic spirit that the rebels of 1798 and perhaps the Wild Geese a century ago, while 'Rocky Road to Dublin' shows on the other hand, how Ireland can be divided amongst its own people instead of being united, mocking the man for his clothing and style, only to lose his temper and eventually be helped by his own county men. It is then a showing of historical community in Ireland, whatever creed or colour, and adds to my final thought for this blog.......

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Ok, here's the final pub for the night, and thus my final thoughts.

Allow me to make a comparison with our own musical tastes to start with. Irish traditional music forms a deep connection with its history, creating a deafening culture that succeeds anything that Britain has to offer, and still retains a significant impact around the world, especially at home. When I was in Dublin in March this year, I got a taste of that fantastic live music playing while eating my dinner at a pub/restaurant south of the River Liffey. I heard all sorts of songs that I had heard in times past, listening to covers of famous songs, new breeds of songs and very much enjoying myself all the way. I'll admit to not liking all the bands that played up on the stage, but I felt a culture that gave joy and speciality to the patrons.

Britain however lacks a community sense of spirit in musical terms. Don't get me wrong, we do have a load of historical bands that we treasure and enjoy listening to everyday, but what we lack is the connection with our past, with anything that's...well historical, nothing that connects us to who we are as a nation. We associate bands with different decades: Beatles = 60s, Led Zeppelin = 70s, Queen = 80s, Oasis = 90s, you get the picture, and they have made songs considered the greatest, but the problem there is, those bands and songs do not connect with our country, in remembering who we are and what we used to be.

Let me put it this way, Ireland has endured many tragedies and events that survive in song, showing the spirit of people and the stories behind them. We do not have any of that. We have songs that tie us up emotionally to personal situations, how women can wiggle their butts and how we shouldn't look back in anger, NOT anything that connects us to our past. In one way, it's an individualism vs collectivism thing. We have lost sight of a community way that, from frankly ridiculous stories of Islamic terrorism taking over our country and a North/South divide for example, we have become split apart as a nation, and those songs do not shed a reminder of who we are as a nation.

My second point is developing my understanding on how deep the traditional music culture goes in Ireland. Believe me, listening to the songs, Ireland is way ahead of its time in connecting. The March songs of Brian Boru, O'Sullivan and O'Neill still being played today show how much of a respect Ireland has for its own culture and damaged history, never forgetting those people who made Ireland what it is today, thanks to bands like The Chieftains and The Dubliners. The songs of political significance cut a deep mark in Irish history, perhaps forcing Ireland to never forget the pains and troubles it has gone through, thanks to our shenanigans and heavy victories we have had on Ireland. Here lies another problem:  We simply don't care, as a nation. We don't grow up with this music of remembrance, and that is a sad thing.

What I have learned from Irish traditional music is how significant it is in history, and present mind. It is still a developing taste for me certainly, and I don't want to forget about it becoming deeper in my mind than it has ever been. It is a way of life that needs to be experienced for anyone who has even a passing thought in this type of music. If you haven't enjoyed any of the music you heard in this article, I urge you to least understand the power these songs do have in the greater scheme of things. If you have enjoyed them, then perhaps we can buy a pint of beer and sing our merry way all through the night, and create a more mutual understanding, at the rising of the moon.

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That's it for the Randomizer this month. Take care of yourselves and see you all next time!

Ode to Monty Python

Welcome back to the Randomizer!

You must forgive me at this moment. Right now. Because I have only managed to think of a subject last Saturday. Yes I am very rubbish at planning in advance for this article. But in a messy preparation for the 20^th July 2014, I have finally something to keep you all entertained. It's

(DONG!)

That.

Monty Python.

Last Sunday was Monty Python's final ever reunion together...And I was there. You may all kindly and without malice of forthought, suck it. And it was FUCKING AWESOME!! :D

Like Doctor Who, Game of Thrones, and Pingu, I love Monty Python. It's one of the few comedy subjects that always somehow to reach down into my gullet and force me to burst out laughing. Something that I have held close to my mind for a long time, like the cat. But the difference is between my cat and Monty Python is that the cat can annoy you. Monty Python does not. Much. It's difficult to talk about at this point of time since I've only just selected it now. So where do I start with this beast of burden? Well she's only about 12 years old I think, likes to bring rabbits into the house as a dinner suggestion, sleeps to a specific rota in everyone bedrooms.....oh sorry wrong article!

Like my Doctor Who last November, I am going to give you another fan reflection on my time as a Monty Python. No overbearing details of the best sketches, no discussion of which member would kill who given the opportunity, and certainly no mention of a bird who sometimes come up as a option at the interval for ice cream and the like. This will simply be a talk about how I got into Python, what my favourite sketches are, and....something equating to those few subjects I'm sure.

So please read on and I hope you enjoy my Ode to Monty Python

Yours,

The imaginary voice you're reading this article in.

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I first got my start in Monty Python around Christmas when I was in 2006. Or 2007, whichever year it was I can't remember. Because of my interest in surreal humour, the firstborn in our family and occasional Mr. Gove hater in life in general and greatest footballer in the world who isn't paid even a penny to play the game, i.e. my brother, passed onto me a four film DVD Christmas present. This was the complete Monty Python film set, consisting of And Now for Something Completely Different, Holy Grail, Life of Brian, and The Meaning of Life.

Naturally I was quite interested in watching these films as I had some vague recollections of Monty Python from my childhood, particulary with Life of Brian since I saw the ending of that film but I had no idea what the hell was going, despite all the multiple crucifixions and strange singing at the end. Crucifixions a doddle apparently. Not that I've tried, it's not my thing. Burning catholics is more my cup of tea with a chocolate digestive on the side. Anyway, watching the films was actually very enjoyable. ...And Now For Something Completely Different introduced me to a very long sketch show that showed the 'best of' compliation from the first two Monty Python TV series, allowing me to see the more famous sketches for the first time ever.

It's

(DONG!)

AHEM!

Thank you. It's been a while since I've seen it properly, but I did enjoy many of the sketches on show. Can't remember what my favourite sketch was though. Might have been 'The Upper Class Twit of the Year Contest' sketch.

Monty Python and Holy Grail was one of the best comedy films I had seen in forever! I must say with my 2001 DVD copy, I had thought the wrong film was being played because it started with a black and white film called 'Dentist on the Job', only for the voice of Terry Jones to say it's the wrong film and then play the correct one. Only looking up on the internet did I realise that that particular film was called 'Get On With It' in America, due to the usage of said many times in the film. The Holy Grail itself was a great film to watch, seeing King Arthur go up against a black knight, a rude Frenchman, and even the police. No spoilers of course, you should watch the film for yourselves if you haven't already. If you don't, then I declare you all legally insane.

Life of Brian as well is considered to be one of the very best comedy films of all time, and I have no exceptions. It is one of the best of course. Again I'll keep spoilers to a minimum for those who haven't seen it, but if I was to mention women with beards, a confusion for the main character Brian as a prophet, a crucifixion line-up for the day, and a man who 'wanks' as high as any in 'Wome', what more could you really ask for? Apart from that in your head....and that....and that...Life of Brian is good, watch it.

The last film in their repertoire was The Meaning of Life. ALL THE SPOILERS! There are a great abundance of fish involved, musical numbers and...the revelation of the actual Meaning of Life! I did like this film a lot, with a more darker sense of humour, more gory images to plague your mind, and with about a great logical connection as with bees to water. Again, quite an enjoyable film. Just make sure you have a strong stomach, and plenty of 'wafer thin mints' at your disposal.

So I suppose it's one reason to love my brother (among others I'm sure) for introducing me to the comic troop in one fell swoop. In the past, I had been introduced to some of the Pythons beforehand in their other projects. Michael Palin's documentary were annoying at first, because my parents wanted the TV and I wanted to watch my stuff, because for a child then, Mr. Palin was not on my list of stuff I wanted to see on the box. There was also someone named....Cheese or something? John Chedder I think was his name, who did a series called Fawlty Towers. I liked that too, but sadly is not part of this particular feature tonight. Sorry. You know it's weird, does anyone else remember celebrities from their childhood that they couldn't give a toss about, because you wanted the TV for yourself, only to realise how good the shows actually are as you get older? I don't wish to be alone on this. Comment if you want my number, we'll start a group. But enough of this depressing banter for now.

What bugged me to a point was the unavailability of DVDs to the original TV series, which as far as I remember at the time was readily in America, but not here. I was very annoyed at this. For starters, why does America get first dibs when we don't? Python originated here. The bastards! Next thing you know, they'll be tossing off the Waldorf Salad at our faces.......sorry wrong series again. However to my everlasting joy a few years ago, I saw the series was now released on OUR shores, and purchased each one accordingly (except the last one, that was a lovely Christmas present. Which I did not ask for in anyway shape or form). So I was a happy bunny. The most happy bunny in the world. Though I didn't change my name to Flopsy. Her future didn't turn out so well.

To be brutally honest completely and impeding many comments and raging Christians at my doorstep.....I haven't seen all the series in its entirety. Or the Hollywood Bowl show. Or have the records. Or met either one of the Pythons. Or dressed in a suit and attempted to do the funny walk. BUT....I have sang along to the song. That must count for something right?

(Knocking comes at the door) Excuse me a minute. (I open it up).

ARGGHHHHH!!!!! Excuse me a minute!

(At this point, you should imagine this part as a scene from a blockbuster film. I run away from my house hunted down by many a mob who have it in me, across the green fields and into a small woodland area, where I cower in fear for exactly 2 minutes and 26 seconds. Then, out of the gloom came a vision of Winston Churchill who inbued me with the morale to fight back in desperate times. He then gave me The Sword of Excalibur, and I used it to fight back in cutting off fiery sticks, limbs and heads in a epic fight sequence that would have cost roughly around 10 million pounds, so you'll probably never see it on screen. Oh well).

I AM VICTORIOUS!.......Eww I got brains down my top.

(Again, imagine this as a scene. I washed myself down and got back down to business. Not as exciting I know but hey ho. Unless you're into that sort of thing. In which case....come back to my place. I have juice).

Ok...glad that's all sorted. So yes, I haven't actually managed to get all the Monty Python stuff down. But don't worry, I'm currently on the last series of the TV show so that will be done whenever I get off my ass. The Hollywood Ball I might ask for Christmas this year, and for the records....I'm not really into the records so much. Only the TV shows. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy listening to the musical numbers, and proper joined in at the last show itself. But I've never really shown that much interest in buying them. Sorry but that's how I roll. As for meeting even one of the Pythons....that would be an absolute dream. Except for Michael Palin. Bloody travel documentaries. Meeting John Chedder would be *******  fantastic, to behold the absolute legend in my own eyes, and say to him: "You're a proper bastard you know that? See that's a better compliment then what Mike Myers at the show. Bloody suck-up. Just because you CAN say Monty Python is the greatest group in the world, doesn't mean you SHOULD.  Now go back to your care--oh wait it died out didn't it? Shame. (ptffffffHAHAHAHAHAHA!).

The Funny walk? I still do it occasionally, but not in a suit. Also my legs aren't very long so I can't pull it off so easily as you might expect. But I can always try dammit.

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Now to talk about my favourite sketches from the show itself..........Where the **** do I start?

Well one of the ones I really loved were the various letters "sent in" by members of the public from Series 1, protesting at the various sketches they've put up in the show. One example is after one police/drug inspection sketch, where a woman writes in to protest about the sketch, citing that her husband's age, in common with many other people, is 50, also asking for how long must they put with these things. Another letter is written in protest by a Brigadier Arthur Gormonstrop (Mrs), who is nearly 60 and is quite mad, but enjoys listening to the BBC Home service. He cites if the problem goes on undebated, going into a little rant about the war, and hippies who go raping, looting and killing.

The great thing that could be said about Monty Python is the point that they achieve a perfect balance of sketches that are silly, but also those that have a great deal of depth behind them. I think the letters are probably aimed at readers who are conservative in nature and try to complain about anything that isn't appropriate in their minds about anything....oh hang on, I've received a letter.

Uh-oh. It's from Mike Myers. It's....very disparaging. I'll put it up.

"Dear Randomizer from Toronto, Canada.

I object to your making the cruel jokes made at my expense towards my love of Monty Python and the undisputed fact that my career is over. Sucking up is a strong phrase for those who are sad people who type up silly bollocks every fortnight. I prefer the term 'bending over' as a better reference in future. It suits my style more and allows you to see what ideas I have up my arse. If you want sucking up, you should Will Ferrell on a Saturday night. Yours, Michael 'Baby' Myers etc".

Oh hang on another letter's arrived....

"Dear Mr So-called Myers,

I really must protest about Will Ferrell sucking up on a Saturday night. He is more the genuine funny comedian then you will ever be, and I will think that if you'll be bending over next time, I'll introduce you to my good friend Bricky.

Yours, Amy Marie Bayliss

Erm.....

Yes Mr. Ferrell, it has.

Another sketch I enjoyed was......was......was........bugger me this is difficult. There are quite a number of sketches I do enjoy.

Actually one I watched most recently as an old favourite was 'The Bishop sketch'. Here a Mr. Devious is sat at his desk when suddenly The Bishop smashes his crook on his desk, shouting to not move. It then cuts to a fake opening sequence about 'The Bishop', all in black and white. After that, there's a great selection of said Bishop failing in different situations to save random vicars from being blown up either by bomb babies or cannons, hung or squashed by one 16 ton weight. The sketch just gets me smiling in some way or other because of the sheer silliness of it all, especially as the opening sequence does actually repeat over and over at times, finally getting interrupted by an apology, only to be interrupted by another apology, and again. No wait, just two times, just two times, just two times, just two times (BANG)....ow. Just got hit by a knight.....is that even possible?

Anyway, my next favourite sketch.....ow bloody knight. Could have been worse, could have been the Spanish Inquis-.....ahhh! I'm not going to say it. Nope. I've already had enough trouble with being chased around by frenzied Python and Bieber fans in some unholy alliance, I'm not going to bring the Spanish Inquisition into this arti-........oh shit.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!! OUR WEAPONRY INCLUDES DIVERSE ELEMENTS SUCH AS FEAR, SURPRISE, RUTHLESS EFFECIENTCY AND AN ALMOST FANATICAL DEVOTION TO THE POPE, and nice red uniforms....oh damn, we'll come on again.

(No you won't) Ahem. Yeah I do like the Spanish....that sketch. Taking the piss out of the real-life Spanish Inquis........those maniacs from Spain, they are given the envious task of torturing people in the completely ridiculous manner of using 'the rack' (a plate rack), the comfy chair, and poking people with cushions. I wonder if Sir Alex Ferguson ever used these implements at his disposal whenever he had the opportunity. At the end of the episode where they appear, they actually have to run to the Old Bailey in London, picking up a bus on the way. Unfortunately, before they can declare their appearance in the usual manner, THE END appears, having to be content with saying 'Oh Bugger'.

I giggled ever so slightly when I heard the first few lines of this sketch at the O2 last Sunday, and I enjoyed every minute of it sitting in my little chair near the opposite side of the stage. I don't know what it is about the sketch that makes me laugh for it. It might be partly from the incompetence of it all since the characters are so ludicrous in their ways of ineffectively torturing people, and making a nuisance of themselves at that. But perhaps as well it's part of the Python charm, that the surreal greatness of it just supersedes anything. It is Python after all.

Perhaps bow I shall throw a spanner in the works and share a not-so-funny sketch in my mind. 'The Bruces' sketch.

It starts as a few Australians played by the Pythons, all of whom greet each other as Bruce and are introduced to a 'pommy bastard' Michael Baldwin, who is a new professor at their university of Woolamalloo. They have a faculty meeting amongst themselves, sharing out fosters, pointing out that Baldwin can talk about any of the great socialist thinkers provided he points out that they were all wrong, and explaining the faculty rules:

1.       No Poofers

2.       No mistreatment of the Almos (indigenous Australians) provided anyone watching

3.       No Poofers

4.       Catching anyone NOT drinking after light outs

5.       No Poofers

6.       There is NO  rule six

7.       No Poofers

I will admit Bruces, some parts of the sketches do make laugh, but I don't just understand it half the time. Much like the England cricket team. (do-dum-clash). Maybe the Python charm has a certain double-edged sword, that some things I just adore, but other things just fly past my head. Or perhaps it's the particular kind of humour in the sketch that's really off-putting, and it's a brand of the times. What I could GUESS is that it's a representation of how Australia sees itself since the Bruces are all university professors, and yet they can't escape the stereotype given onto them. Even if that could be true, it's still mildly funny.

Right, let's sort this spanner out. (Rummages through tool-box that was brought out during that entire talk, finds magic wand, zaps it out, machine starts rolling again). There we are, all nice and sorted now.

The second to last item on the list is the variety of Terry Gilliam cartoons on show. Yes, Terry Gilliam. The bearded ugly bastard director of such films as: Time Bandits, Brazil, The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, and co-directing/arguing  Monty Python and the Holy Gail with fellow Python Terry Jones. I do like a good deal of his animations that pop up at different intervals to add to the random nature the show. There's such a technique to them that just feels otherworldly, yet brings a good deal of humour without feeling as if they interfere.

One of my early favourites was from watching 'And Now for Something Completely Different'. A man is in front of a mirror, placing shaving cream over the first half of his face. He then proceeds to continue placing shaving cream all over his face, then raises the razor and promptly cuts his head off. That piece of animation always has me laughing at the screen, and for some reason it does make sense too. Put shaving cream on, you're bound to lose something. Just don't put it on in a place you don't specifically want to lose. 

Another cartoon from Episode 1, Series 1 I think, is actually more of a selection of cartoons, where in random bits and boobs happen. Boobs? I mean.......yeah, actually let's leave it as boobs. Just for the hell of it. Anyway, the random bits and boobs involve two women bouncing a man around forcing him to sit up, two men hiding in a woman's skirts and bringing her down to join them (head disappearing into the skirts), only for a little girl to appear and a man appear where the woman was, and also a man's head trying to fly away from his body, only to be brought back down by a woman's arm.

My personal favourite from those is two army soldiers doing a dance to fairground music, and disappear into their helmets. Two women appear to walk beneath, and are caught by the men and dragged into the helmets. Giggling ensues, from me too. Then the little girl appears again jumping below to the sound of 'there's somebody out there'. The way it's animated is fantastic, seeing the two soldiers hopping about back and forth on the screen with just use of the feet, and then leaping off-screen then appearing again from the right hand side. But the timing too feels spot-on as the women are just lifted out into the helmets and proceed with whatever people tend to do in secret places. Frustration presumably.

The last old favourite sketch of mine is a little piece called 'Ethel the Frog' or more commonly known as 'The Piranha Brothers'. Parodying the life and times of the infamous Kray Twins, the Piranha Brothers have a good selection of different set-ups and silly bits. The way they're introduced helps with great silliness, Doug Piranha being born first, then Dinsdale Piranha two weeks later, and again a week after that. From there on in, their lives are covered with various interviews of the 'people' whom knew them and the various antics they got up to, eventually getting arrested by the police superstar Harry 'Snapper' Organs.

What I like about this sketch is how silly bits are all worked out as kind of self referring, like with John Cleese dressed up as a woman and saying that Dinsdale was a gentleman, knowing to treat how a female impersonater. Or when a criminologist appears after the end of that part and suddenly shows sense of wanting to commit murder himself, but then snaps back to reality and cites Dinsdale was a looney, but a happy one at that, ending with calling him a lucky bastard.

It has been a while since I've seen the sketch, or for that matter the actual episode itself. But after glimpsing it a few times in the last few days, and a few memories of watching it, I can say it still manages to get a smile out of me. Especially where the use of an H-Bomb was used to blow up a aeroplane hanger at Luton airport, the intended victim being a imaginary hedgehog called Spiny Norman.

I have an imaginary hedgehog too, haunting me at night, staring at me from time to time as if she is my lord and master to obey and expected to feed her everyday. Her name is Blacky (we have such creative names for our pets) and she does a really good impression of a cat. See?

She can also do impressions of a giant rat.

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Now for the third and final subject to talk about....erm....hang on I'm sure I'll find something here.

Ah, got it. My thoughts on the LAST ever Monty Python show.

When the shows were announced, it had been a while since I had done anything that was related to Python in anyway shape or form. Upon first reading of them in November last year, I took notice but my interest lacked in going, partly from family bereavement at the time but also just because it had been a big while since I had watched Monty Python or even came close to it, and my attention had been diverted to other interests. So I blew it off, until I heard that more shows had been announced for the third week in July. I decided then to take a look for any tickets still available. They were. My face went: o_o, and promptly started to get tickets as soon as I could, threatening my laptop with a machine gun to do its duty. Just another standard day off at the household.

Eventually, I managed to bag two tickets and a kitkat for my troubles and managed to drag my father (literally all the way) down to London to book a hotel and train tickets for the journey back. He was pulling gravel out of his fingernails for hours and hours. Wasn't very pleasant. Ached on the feet as well-

Sorry! It was actually the first time I had entered into the old Millenium Dome, now called the 02 Arena, and it was quite an impressive site. I bet you could even fit the Download festival site around there somewhere if possible. It might have the right surface area for the job-

Sorry. Once I start talking there's no stopping. Much. Once we got ourselves well fed, drunk and taken our seats, the show soon started.

It started off slow for me, but it got way better as the show carried on as I saw the memorable sketches, musical numbers, animated sketches, and even a special blackmail guest. I'll start off with what I didn't like first: The Blackmail guest. I've heard that every show had a different guest make an appearance on the Blackmail sketch, where different people were blackmailed into not having personal information about themselves revealed live. This man was on the last night.

Yes, for all my less then kind words on the matter concerning Mike Myers, it was actually a surprise to see him on stage, though I still swear he was sucking on lemons when thinking about his praise for Monty Python. Oh hang on, I've received a text.

'F*** you. Myers'

Charming.

Oh there's another text.

'F*** you. Bayliss'.

Nice to know you have friends in high places, at least I think that's the intention. Oh wait a minute...

'Fig off Myers. Bam Bam'.

Huh. Mib's child learned English that fast? Wow. Good thing Mr. Gove was kicked out so he can't take advantage.

Anyway, another thing I didn't quite grasp until quite late on was the Four Yorkshireman sketch, where four Yorkshire talk about their upbringings, then subsequently try to outdo each other with more outlandish tales about their pasts. I didn't exactly understand what it was going on, but soon as I realised, I did laugh myself silly at how they all try to push themselves into the spotlight.

Those really were my pet peeves about it all, not much to complain about at all. Or argue or abuse for that matter.

The rest of the show was brilliant. The nostalgia of seeing LIVE most of the sketches I had seen from the show was quite spell-binding. As soon as certain characters said one specific line of dialogue for particular sketches, I just giggled like the Black Knight (a looney) and sat back to enjoy the hypnotising display as the Spanish Inquisit-ahhhh. No. That lot of red dressed mad men came streaming through the door, seeing the funny walk on display through red lighting, and finally seeing John Cleese come on after one musical number and say simply: 'I wish to register a complaint', while holding a Norwegian blue parrot deceased in a cage.

Actually I do have a little theory about the people standing to the right seat beside me. When the musical numbers came up, I was singing my average sized, awaiting to be diseased heart out as I went in and away from singing the lyrics, while more than probably annoying the person sitting next to me. Come the second half, he had switched seats with another man, who in turn was also annoyed by me singing. Glad to say I might have ruined the show for them. Oh well, sit next to me you should know what you're in for.

Another thing I liked was a nice pre-recorded clip of Scientist-Still-In-Training Brian Cox making a bit of fuss over the logistics of the 'Galaxy Song', because that's the sort of thing he does, only to be run down by Grand Master Scientist Stephen Hawking, who flies away into space and into a galaxy...and actually made an appearance IN ONE OF THE BOXES at the arena itself! That's a sight that will not leave my eyes or brain anytime soon! Unless gouged out by a cannibal.

My last note is this: Graham Chapman.

It would have been good to have seen Mr. Chapman in the flesh, because he was a very funny and capable man as some of you who will have seen the movies, tv shows and in other things as well will testify. However in a great case of party-pooping on the eve of Monty Python's first airing, he had passed away almost 25 years ago due to terminal cancer. So the show made do with archival footage from the series showing him in his different capacities, more so famously an army colonel cracking down on 'silly stuff'. However John Cleese and Michael Palin paid tribute to him via his most famous sketch of a certain deceased parrot, by Cleese saying during a rant that the parrot had gone to meet Mr. Chapman.

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Well, I'm afraid this article has come to its end. It is no more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late article. It's a stiff, bereft of life, it's rest in peace, if it wasn't nailed to the blog, it would be pushing up the bin on my laptop. It's run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot. Article.

Out of many comedic elements I have come across over the years, Monty Python always seems to be at the top of my list for anything really. Six men coming around together to wound and maim each other over a period of four wonderful years to effectively give us many rememorable pieces of platinum that will remain in our hearts for as long as time itself. I will tell you now, if you have never seen one episode of Monty Python....you have no life until you do and you will go to hell otherwise. God sent me that message just now.

What are you doing still reading this article? Piss off and get going. Simon says!

When the Randomizer returns next month, it will appear in disguise as a feature on Irish Traditional Music. In the meantime, I should probably prepare a defence case for all those people I killed earlier in the article. You didn't think I was going to ignore that right at the end did you? Oh there's a knocking at the door. Bet it's the police.

Yep, told you.

10 Interesting Facts about World War 1

Welcome back to the Randomizer, to a slightly special edition.

Here's a picture of a street.

Some of you may think now looking at this: It looks pretty, but why the picture? What's to do? Looks more appropriate for a high street shop promotion.

Yet this little small haven is much more than that. This was the street where 100 years ago today, Franz Ferdinand, Archduke of Austria-Hungary and his wife Sophie were shot, setting off a chain of events that have led to this:

100 years since the start of World War One.

You'd probably think why is that worth celebrating, the start of the 'War to End All Wars'. To me it's still an anniversary, an important date to remember the start of war as well as remembering the end of war. It's something we probably shouldn't ignore because really, no matter how much we think of the beginning of war as a bad thing, one date is the culmination of everything that has happened to that point.

And.....where do I start?

World War 1 is in itself a broad subject to talk about. The battles, the leaders, the countries involved, the aftermath, there is a lot to talk about when it comes to such a tremendous, painful and perhaps other-worldly affair. To my mind, we always talk about it in past context, or perhaps for a better word, SEE it in past context because it is the past, an event to be remembered in great detail and free of the shackles that held it in place.

And you'd be wrong. The First World War reaches out all around the world, even today. Those events of the past SHAPED the world as it is today. If not for the aggression of the Treaty of Versallies, we would have had a possible different interpretation of World War II, or perhaps the Russian Revolution might have come later in years intervening. Some events are inevitabilities, but the little things in life can make a difference and a change in shaping the future. At least that's my philosophy. Wonder if Vladimir Putin feels the same way? Maybe it's just his way of celebrating the anniversary.

So what do I talk about? Well....I'm sure a lot of you will know about the beginnings of the war from history classes years ago (no pun intended). But maybe a reminder wouldn't go amiss.

In 1871, the various German States unified into one empire. No points for guessing what it was called. For over 40 years Germany expanded its industrial and military prowess, becoming a threat to its neighbours France, Russia and subsequently Great Britain. In turn to the first Dual Alliance between the former two, Germany made an alliance with Austro-Hungary and Italy. It was with the Austro-Hungary that everything came down to war, for their empire invaded the Balkan region in the early 20^th century, coming into conflict with Serbia. In 1914, one hundred years ago to this very day as I've mentioned, The Archduke Franz Ferdinand and his wife Sophie were shot by the terrorist Black Hand member, Gavrilo Princip. Those two shots would count as the beginning of 4 years of war.

1914-1918 showed the world how devastating and revealing we can be as a human race. The countryside was laid waste in the west. Trenches, giant holes and rats were commonplace all around as young boys and men took ample time to machine-gun each other as they all went 'Over the Top'. In the east the Russians, considered to be a giant, was slowly grinded down by the Germans and eventually collapsed in on itself. The monarchy abdicated, captured and massacred, Russia controlled by a new communist regime headed by Vladimir Putin Lenin. At sea, both sides expected a clash of ships everywhere. But the sea became the U-boat haven as they unleashed their weaponry and only twice did the battleships take to fire.

In 1918, after Germany was finally pushed back to its own frontiers and systematic defences breached, an armistice was finally signed between both sides on 11^th November. And so, at the 11^th hour, of the 11^th day and the 11^th month, the guns fell silent.

Everyone had lost something dear to them in the war. Family members, friends, even themselves lost in the mindset of what they had suffered. It brought entire people together to remember the cost they had paid for victory. For the dead, their names live on the grave stones and momuments made for us to remember the greatest sacrifice given to them. As the old poem goes:

They shall not grow old, as we are left to grow old

Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn

At the going down of the sun and in the morning

We will remember them

Something has grown out of my research on what to do for this particular anniversary, and it's really the strange facts that crop up every now and then. I like watching the panel game show QI and some of the stuff they find out on there and pass on are very strange and for lack of a better word, interesting. History of course has all sorts of different layers, some swept under the carpet on purpose (ahem), but some that just passed over our heads without so much a scratch on our psyches. So this is what today's article is going to be about:

10 bizzare facts and other interesting stuff in World War 1

Some of the information I'm sure you'll be saying: ......What the f***?, some others you'll be like 'ooh that is interesting', and some you'll raise an eyebrow too, like The Rock. These little tidbits may not be necessarily important to contributing in the war, but the way they are just hidden away lurking the depths of the internet and books, they do make for strange interesting reading. I will try to back up each piece with some evidence to show how true they are and silence any witness who say otherwise. Just saying :P. No skin off my nose........much.

Ok, I'm going to stop wasting your time now. Let's start with Number 1!

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1^st Battalion, the Random Tidbits in the War Generally:

1.       PRIVATE THE MAN WHO CANNOT SLEEP!

You all know the term 'insomia'? At least I hope you do! Where you just feel as if you can't sleep a wink and you stay awake even if you want to just snooze off. I know a few people that have such a problem sometimes, and just feel bleugh the next morning? Just imagine a moment where you actually cannot fall asleep. Literally cannot doze off and dream, where you have to stay up all day AND night, watching Game of Thrones or other shows. Such a thing did happen to a Hungarian soldier in 1915. Except Game of Thrones wasn't invented yet.

Paul Kern was serving in the Hungarian Army on the Eastern Front when he was shot in the right temple by a Russian soldier, the bullet going through his head. It also damaged nerves centres in his brain, particularly one such needed for slumber. Taken to Lemberg hospital and transferred to Budapest later on, he eventually woke up, but did not fall back to sleep. Baffling doctors and others alike with no changes in brain pattern, they were absolutely convinced that he should be, by all rights and purposes, dead. Yet here he was, walking around like nobody's business!

What?........WHAT?

Over two decades later, he was interviewed by various newspapers and told of his condition, how he organised his life around his new found ability, keeping his job as a social insurance worker, talking walks around the block, reading, it's pretty much a second life he has, independent of social activities from family and friends. According to The Milwaukee Journal from 1938, he was given all sorts of offers to join up for circus acts, world conferences and scientific experiments from mad Americans. However he refused all of those, wishing to live out the rest of his life in peace.

One piece of information oddly enough is that he was told by doctors to have a resting period, which he considered the dullest part of the day. This meant closing his eyes in keeping the optic nerves from being strained too much, and relaxing on his bed for one to two hours. 'Hang on a minute' you're probably saying, but wait. To show that he wasn't actually making it up, he lights up a pipe to show glimmering in the dark, proving experiments that he wasn't actually asleep. Helps to read a book as well I guess.

It's not really known when Kern actually died. Wikipedia has it in 1955, but that's as close as I have come so far. He does sort of hit the nail on the head when interviewed in the Milwaukee Journal:

'I don't really know what it is to sleep. I don't know any more what a dream is. Now and then I try to force myself to retrieve that sensation, but my imagination is not strong enough to recapture it. Perhaps in my grave I shall find sleep'

1.       LIUTENANT TITANIC SISTER SHIP

Again, you all know the story of the Titanic and how it sank on its maiden voyage. But did you know Titanic had two sister ships, called Olympic and Brittanic?

All built by White Star Line, they were the largest sea vessals at the time to appear on the ocean. Oltmpic was the first to be built, setting sail on 14^th June 1911 from Southampton. Only a few months later, the ship actually collided with the British warship HMS Hawke off the Isle of Wight, and had to be repaired. Oddly enough, resources to fix Olympic came from its younger sister Titanic. Whether that affected its maiden voyage in anyway, I have no idea. After the sinking of its sister, Olympic was fitted with extras to make sure it wouldn't come to sink itself.

O: Thanks for the spare parts sis!

T: I want them back when we get to New York

When war broke out, Olympic became packed with Americans waiting to return home from Europe. With the onset of the German U-Boats, the figures fell sharp and it was considered to withdraw the ship from commercial service. Those plans changed when in October 1914, Olympic answered a distress call to save crewmembers of HMS Audacious (the navy has such weird names for ships!) when the ship struck a mine off the coast of Northern Ireland. A year later, it was requisitioned by the navy and turned into a troop transport ship, with its own dazzle camouflage and guns. The third of the sister ships called Brittanic was also requisitioned and turned into a hospital ship, completing a number of voyages before being struck by a mine off the coast of Greece.

In the spring of 1918, Olympic spotted a surfaced U-Boat while en-route to drop American troops off in France. Immediately firing its guns at the submarine, it then launched itself right towards it. The U-Boat attempted to dive after failing to flood its tube compartments, but it was too late. Olympic rammed through, her port propeller slicing into the pressure hull and blowing the tanks. Just to show off in the aftermath of the incident, she carried onto Cherbourg and went for repairs in Southampton. It was the only merchant ship proper to sink a U-Boat. To be fair, it did have some experience with HMS Hawke earlier so nobody can complain too much!

After the war, it went back into civilian service and lasted another 14 years in service before being retired in 1935, and sadly sold for scrap later on. However there are surviving implements of the ship dotted around, partly in the White Swan Hotel in Northumberland. It's kind of ironic as well when compared to Titanic. Titanic sunk on its maiden voyage, Olympic seemed to dish it out whenever it pleased. Maybe it had an anger problem? I don't know.

You like my dazzle? YOU BETTER DO!

1.       CORPORAL AUSTRALIA

This is slightly cheating a bit because this isn't part of the period really, but it did involve ex-soldiers from the war, as well as some British veterans who fancied a nice tan in the sun. When the war ended, they were given nice land in Western Australia to farm on and at least make a living. Unfortunately, there was one problem with this set-up.

G'Day mate

Yes, Emus. Because there was a number of droughts in the area the soldiers were given, the emus called a fun day of eating the remaining crops, which incensed the farmers no end. Being soldiers of course, they decided to shoot them, killing 3000 of them in 1928. Despite that, the emus carried on being a hassle for the new farmers, more so when The Great Depression hit home. Wheat prices hit sky high, and the farmers soon reached the end of their rope.

In 1932, as many as 20,000 emus had come upon the farms, and the farmers had enough. Not trusting of the Minister for Agriculture, they decided to go to the Minister for War. You read that well, they were going to declare war on these birds. The Minister for War, Sir George Pearce, actually gave the go-ahead and the soldiers were effectively armed with machine guns, 10,000 bullets and military experts to take down the annoying birds. How did it go?

Emus were the better fighter, somehow in every possible way, even without actually attacking. They enjoy the shades of trees, which didn't help the soldiers trying to shoot them off, and even stayed out of range of the machine guns whenever possible. The soldiers caught on that the emu was very fast, and used the idea of a truck to take them down with one of the machine guns. It worked as well as Justin Bieber actually coming to respect people in any way shape or them. Not a single emu was killed, or even a bullet shot off because the gunners had little control holding to the truck! Eventually, the military support was called off after a week. One person in the Australian parliament said that medals should be given to the emus, since they had 'won every round so far'.

Over the next years, emus still posed a problem in culling until eventually, bounty hunters came to the front and claimed many of them. But still really think about this for a moment. These soldiers who had fought for their country had been basically owned by emus. Emus! Then using bounty hunters to cheat! It's just not proper. On the other hand though, I think this calls for a chant at the next Ashes series.....

YOU LOST TO EMUS, YOU LOST TO EMUS

1.      SERGEANT CONAN DOYLE 

In the summer of 1914, Britain formally declared war on Germany and her allies after their requests for Germany to respect neutrality were unheeded. The number of young men and others alike were probably indescribable as they all joined up in the coming months, going into the next year of the war. Many of them were quite obviously enthusiastic to join up to go to war, as scenes from the BBC documentary 'The Great War' can attest, with singing, cheering and presumably loads of beer to drink. But perhaps none were as manically and superbly enthusiastic for the war, as Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

The man who created the world's famous detective (Basil the Great Mouse I think he was called), celebrated pipe smoker, and hopping spiritualist in later years, seemed mad enough in an attempt to be the poster man for patriotism in Great Britain, considering the events that I will list down to the best of my knowledge and research.  Needless to say, it is interesting!

Conan-Doyle first caught wind of the possibility of war in 1911 through the Doctor as he was busy battling the Osiran alien Sutekh.....oops sorry wrong source material! He got wind of war from an automobile event hosted by Prince Henry of Prussia, and noted the hostile attitudes of the Germans he met there, hearing the possibility of war in the end.

Surprised by this he began to study German war literature, reading up on the plane and submarine and deducing that these two would be major factors in the war, more so worried with the submarines possibly able to block imports coming into Britain. So he talked and endorsed an idea of a Channel Tunnel between France and Britain, to make sure Britain would not be cut off from its allies. His words were ignored by the British, though the Germans claimed (for possible propaganda purposes) that they came up with the idea reading Conan Doyle's words!

When war finally came, he tried to enlist in the army despite not being young enough to do so. He cited that: 'I am 55 but I am very strong and hardy, and can make my voice audible at great distances, which is useful at drill'.

I BEG TO DIFFER YOU BASTARD!!

The army politely refused his request, but he didn't stop there. He even put together his own band of civilian volunteers! Robin Hood would be jealous (Ha-ha!) The war office ordered these units to be disbanded and replaced them with their own administered ones. Conan-Doyle's unit became the Crowborough Company of the Sixth Royal Sussex Volunteer Regiment, and himself actually took on a Private's Commission, wanting to show that everyone was equal in defending their country.

In those first few weeks, three British cruisers were lost, with all 1,400 crew on deck. Conan Doyle was upset by this great loss and wrote to the War Office, urging them to give each sailor an inflatable rubber belt, the forerunner for lifejackets, to help sailors should they strike with the Germans. The plan was a great success, and the government were soon issuing them to the Royal Navy. He would employ the same tactic for lifeboats on military vessals, and with body armour for soldiers on the frontline. Whether the latter two were successful I don't know, someone let me know! Also I think the body armour for soldiers on the front might not have worked so well, considering the mud, water and bombs going everywhere.

Still you can't deny now he was a great enthusiast to help in the war effort. Even Winston Churchill gave his support to the plucky forerunner to Brian Blessed. He was First Lord of the Admiralty after all. Conan Doyle's great planning and debating skills did seem to help the war effort in many ways, his forthright understanding in how the German war machine might work and how to better improve lives on a great scale. He was the sort of person Britain needed to give morale at the time: Intelligence and patriotism wrapped in a deerstalker hat. He was an idealistic soldier.

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2^nd Battalion, the Mining for Layers Regiment:

1.       CAPTAIN AFRICAN SOLDIERS 

The British Empire stretched for 1/6^th of the world, from Britain to India to Hong Kong, considered (ahemforcedahem) by everyone to be the greatest empire in the world. That is until Germany tried to move in on its path by trying to create its own empire. Taking up countries and areas in Africa and partly in Asia brought it into conflict with Britain's own interests and when World War 1 came about, things were a little more interesting. We were brought up in history more or less focused on the Western Front, and the Treaty of Versallies, allowing us to view some of the important aspects in our history.

In Africa, it's a different story. We had our asses handed over a thousand times, thanks to the efforts of the German General Paul von Lettow-Vorbeck. When British warships attacked the port of Sphinxhafen at the beginning of war, German command in African wanted to sue for peace. Lettow-Vorbeck said in response: "Really? You want to surrender? Well ok I guess, I'll just move back quietly behind the line and settle down for a nice glass of lemonade, watch the sun rise up and F**K THAT, I'M ATTACKING!" (Words may not be necessarily true). Lettow-Vorbeck actually gained a great number of victories against the English, becoming one of the most successful German commanders in the war, probably second only to....those other two general commanders, I forgot their names.

Siegfried and Roy?

In turn, those African troops serving in the war called Askaris, gave great respect to the Germans and Lettow-Vorbeck by singing songs for German officers. Helpful too that Lettow-Vorbeck was fluent in Swahili and appointed some Africans as officers, apparently also saying "and believing - that we are all Africans here". It shows how the colonist needed the native, perhaps going as far as needing each other, to gain success and boost morale for the armies fighting on the bigger scope.

Ultimately, this theatre of war remained only a small backdrop compared to events in Europle, eventually resulting in Germany's defeat. But it does show an interesting difference, not just in location but how the war was run. Lettow-Vorbeck seemed to understand how Askari worked and brought about a sense of equality and unity in his army, overcoming the British in great strides. When he died in 1964, the Minister for Defence Kai-Uwe von Hassel said that he 'was truly undefeated in battle'.

In that same year was something remarkable: The German Parliament voted to fund the back pay to the Askari who were still alive at that time. 350 Askaris showed up for the payment, but only a few had certificates to prove they were under Lettow-Vorbeck's command. The man who fronted the money came with an idea: When each claimant came up, they were to be given a broom and told to perform the manual at arms. ALL 350 Askaris passed the test and claimed the money. Isn't that fantastic? Better then a certain country whom actually FROZE colonial army pensions after their liberation in 1944.............

Screw everyone else!

(bonus point: an author writing on Lettow-Vorbeck said to a nephew of his soldiers: "I understand that von Lettow told Hitler to go **** himself." The nephew replied, "That's right, except that I don't think he put it that politely." :D)

Lettow-Vorbeck

1.       MAJOR PARIS

Ah, Paris. The city of love, art and literature, always seemed to be threatened one way or the other in both world wars. You may remember that Paris was taken over (and fast) by the Nazis in the Second World War from my Randomizer article a year ago. In the First, the French were more passionate to fight against Germany, and possibly more clever at that. When the Germans first threatened Paris, the French were desperate for reinforcements for fighting on the Marne. In kind, the military governor of Paris requisitioned one thousand of the Paris taxi-cabs, using them to carry troops to the front line and eventually push the Germans back. That is pretty cool in on itself, but something more bizarre and true came to light again 90 years after its first mentioning.

A few years ago, it was shown in The Telegraph that near the end of the war, bombing raids were becoming a feared reality. It had happened a number of times in Britain despite the novelty of the situation, allowing pilots to drop bombs and move on in a quick sortie. RADER was invented too around this point, although like the process of sorties it was just as primitive and difficult to work. The French however, took this threat pretty seriously. Thus creating an actual replica of Paris on the northern outskirts of the real thing in 1918.

The fake Paris was set up with dazzling confusing lights, famous buildings and attractions were replicated and even a copy of the station Gare du Nord was built up. The detailing must have been massive enough to rival Lord of the Rings in its glory. The lights in particular were created by a man called Fernand Jacopozzi, who used translucent paint in an attempt to re-create dirty glasses on factory roofs, fake trains and tracks illuminated by light and white, yellow and red lamps used to create the effect of machinery still at work in the night. It's very impressive how they really wanted to make sure the Germans hit the wrong place and spare their great love.

However disappointingly is that this was 1918, for the French at least. The last air raid was in September, and eventually the Germans were pushed back enough with their defences already broken and signed the Armistice in November. The fake city was never tested out properly and quickly dismantled after the war. If you are interested in checking it out, here's some pictures for your viewing pleasure. You can see how intricate the detail goes, how they effectively planned it all out. Whether it would have worked or not remains a mystery. If they had made a fake Eiffel Tower as well in time, that would have been so awesome.

You know Wilhelm, I'm not sure this IS Paris........then again Lettow Vorbeck's hat 

is like that too.

1.       LIEUTENANT COLONEL PORTUGUSE SOLDIER 

I'm sure you'll be unsurprised to hear that for all the people who show that they have bad tendencies, there are some who show something heroic in the eyes of many, in terms of defending people who are in retreat and even saving someone. If I was to say the name: Anibal Mihais, you probably wouldn't recognise it at all. Who is this man? What did he do that was amazing? Well, put a old Lewis machine gun in his hands, and then the story becomes quite clear, and absolutely astounding!

Anibal Milhais was a farmer in Portugal until drafted into the army in 1915, and finally mobilized with his fellow men in 1917, arriving in France the same year. Based on the Western Front, the Portuguese Expedition Force became mostly involved in infiltrating enemy lines and trench raids. They did not become involved in major battles like the French and British, but they still suffered many casualties and fatigue from the night raids. Three German divisions were rotated around to face the Portuguese in nine months. An impressive feat from the sounds of it. But the situation of the war would change dramatically by April 1918. German general Eric von Ludendorff launched a major offensive against the French and British in March called the Spring Offensive, and the battle that Milhais would participate in was the second, The Battle of the Lys.

On the very first day, Milhais could be found in the field of Isberg, covering a withdrawal of both Portuguese and Scottish troops. How did he defend them? Being in charge of a Lewis machine gun certainly helped. When the Germans came around to his division, he laid down intense fire on all sides, defeating back TWO German assaults almost single handedly. He stayed at his post until he eventually ran out of ammunition. Apparently the machine gun was that intense, the Germans were convinced that they were up against a fortified unit than just the one man. The Germans went around his area and Milhais found himself alone and behind enemy lines, where he was stuck for three days without food or water. On the third, he came across a Scottish major who was stuck in a swamp and rescued him with Lewis Gun in tow, and they managed to cross over enemy positions back to Allied Lines.

 Through those he saved, his deeds became known throughout the Allied sector. Some months later, he achieved a similar feat, using the machine gun again to hold the Germans again and allowed one Belgium unit to retreat safely back to a second trench, without any casualties it is said. He received great praise from a Portuguese major, whom described his actions as worth that of a million men, hence giving him the nickname, 'Soldier Millions'. He was also given Portugal's highest military honour, The Order of the Tower and Sword, on the battlefield rather than in a ceremony.

Anibal Milhais died in 1970, but I think he is considered to be a national hero in Portugal, his name going down in history as one of the finest soldiers in World War 1.

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3^rd Division, American Expedition Force, Rock of Racism

1.       COLONAL LUSITANIA

The war at sea could be considered to be as much a slaughter as with on land. Britain was reliant on produce imported from around the world, which Germany attempted to strangle and ease the British into submission via starvation. In early 1915, Germany declared unrestricted warfare and attacked not just navel ships, but merchant ships alike, sinking as much as they could please. But than one U-Boat made THE costly error to turn a certain big country against them.

On May 7^th that year, U-Boat 20 sighted the ship Lusitania off the southern coast of Ireland, and fired its torpedos. It was struck and sunk within 18 minutes. 1,198 were killed in the attack, 128 were Americans. Britain and America were outraged by the attack, condemning Germany for the practical murder of over 1,000 lives. In September of 1915, Germany called a halt to unrestricted warfare for the time being. But the damage was done, and partly fuelled America's entry into the war in 1917.

Strange as it may seem, the Germans WARNED passengers coming from America in the local papers. Here's a picture of their attempt.

Vampires are warned not to suck people's blood, and go out in the day time.

Puts the sinking into a strange perspective doesn't it?  Were the Germans that conscious to the huge risk the Lusitania would encounter if it happened to come across any U-Boats? It's a strange thing to consider, in the face of their policy to sink ships. According to differing sites, most of the passengers considered the warning idle threats and nothing more, still coming onboard. In addition, Captain Thomas Turner was given repeated notices by the British Admiralty that he was coming into submarine infested waters, and made precautions but only stopped when he felt comfortable that they were safe. Well that helped.

Another interesting accusation from the Germans at the time, and most recently, has been that the Lusitania was actually carrying munitions all the way over, justifying the claim. This seems to show that the debate will hang over British government for years to come. An article from The Guardian of this year by Alan Travis, tells of documents (presumably under protection of the 30 years rule), that show a salvage operation warning the government that there still could be active munitions hidden amongst the wreck. Subsequent revelations show that there WERE 4,200 small-arms ammunition, 18 fuse cases and 125 shrapnel cases without powder charges, but these apparently did not constitute as war munitions, nor were there any evidence of high explosives. The question then is still unanswered.

But for all intents and purposes it still happened. The ship sunk with as many lives going down with it too, and the United States of America eventually entered the war on the Allied side. Despite whatever events that led on and on, debate it seems will still rage on over the Lusitania, and there are no clear answers for now.

1.       BRIGADIER WOODROW WILSON 

Another bit of history to talk about, sorry! The three main ally leaders at the end of the war are thus: Georges Clemenceau for France (whom you may remember from my ass-kicking of France article last year), David Lloyd George for United Kingdom, and finally the President of the United States, Woodrow Wilson. Leading his country into war and becoming victorious, he prepared 'The Fourteen Points' so that war could not break out again and laid down the benchmark for the Treaty of Versallie, and a new worldwide organisation called the 'League of Nations'. From what I had learned about him at school, he seemed a pretty clean cut guy, someone looking out for the well-being of the world. Now? Erm.......let's start with the point that he was born in the south of United States. And what was the south most popular for?

Oh no officer this isn't MY cross! It belongs to Mr Farage down the road there.

Yes it seems the man who wanted peace was actually your typical racist against black people. As is the standard at the time. When he came into power, Washington was segregated badly except for the federal service, where everyone was treated equally. He decided, "hmm this needs a little more racism" and segregated it, forcing many people to lose their jobs or downgraded to lower ones. When this was met with protests outside the White House, he was stated to have said to one protest leader: "Segregation is not a humiliation, but a benefit, and ought to be regardless as such by you gentleman".

Not helping matters was a private screening of the controversial film 'The Birth of a Nation' set up in his office. The film (directed by D.W. Griffth) is praised for revolutionary filming techniques that are still in use today, but remains widely, if not wholly, condemned for the portrayal of black people as sexual predators and manipulators, so I've heard. There is an alleged quote from Wilson, thought to have said: "It is like writing history with lightning, and my only regret is that it is all so terribly true".

Makes you wonder, doesn't it? Someone you knew or thought, from history at least, to be a respectable person to look up to, turns out to have a different side to their personality. You almost begin to wonder: How the hell did this happened, why are they like this? This is what is fascinating about history. Just when you think you have all the information before you, something else is uncovered and rocks your world.

I will admit to being very surprised at this revelation of historical layers, I would never have expected Woodrow Wilson to be partial to white supremacy in any manner at all. Yet it is a bizarre thing to not completely get out of your head once you know. Some biographers and others have attributed his racist views to be of the times then, and while there is a certain degree of truth there, it's still a sobering thought to wonder that this man, a Democrat, was in fact a legislator against black people.

I do have a smattering for Eminem.

1.       GENERAL HARLEM HELLFIGHTERS

This was a relatively new thing I had come across only two months ago, learning about a fictionalized account about the 369^th Infantry Regiment, known as the Harlem Hellfighters. They were the first real all-black regiment commissioned when America first entered the war in 1917. Of course this was at the time when segregation was rife, and black people were effectively treated as second class citizens. When it was first formed, they were given basic training until sent down to South Carolina, otherwise partly known as Jim Crow country. (Jim Crow Laws basically segregated black from white, but keeping things "equal". Because you know....logic) Needless to say they suffered a good amount of abuse. Sometimes however they were helped out by some white soldiers, saying at one point to disgruntled shop owners:  "They're our buddies. And we won't buy from men who treat them unfairly" (Gero).

The regiment was one of the first to be sent out to France, though was commissioned to do labour duty at first until reassigned to the French Army. The French treated them more kindly, no different than their own regiments. They were given the respect and equality they could not properly achieve in their own home country, welcomed into open arms by their French counterparts.

During their attachment, success after success followed on. The 'Hellfighter' moniker came from the Germans, for their unrelenting defence and the uncanny ability to never do these three things: lost a man through capture, lost a trench and lost a foot of ground to them. In addition, privates Henry Johnson and Needham Roberts earned the highest French military award, the Croix de Guerre, when attacked by a German unit defending an isolated outpost, Johnson in particular using a bolo knife when running out of ammunition. Lastly they were the first Allied unit to reach the Rhine, 15 days after the armistice was signed. Sounds some great achievements to me!

Oh hey America, you're about 5 years behind us!!

Before they were sent to France, a parade for New York's National Guard aka The Rainbow Division was permitted, but not for the 369^th, their commander Colonel William Hayward was told: "Black is not a colour in the Rainbow". Neither is white. Just saying. When they returned, Hayward pulled what strings he could for their own victory parade through New York streets in February 1919. Crowds soared as the 369^th marched through, coming to a special dinner in their honour.

Despite their successes in the war, Black Americans were still segregated for much of the early 20^th century, and World War 1 did little to improve that. But the gulf of reality became a little more widespread. Here's a quote from A. Philip Randolph to end on: "I want to congratulate you for doing your bit to make the world safe for democracy....and unsafe for hypocrisy".

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So there you have it, your ten interesting facts for World War 1. I hope this article has been revealing to you, as it has been for me. It just shows how hidden history is, and how interesting it can be if we go beyond the words of books and what we used to understand from history. What I have tried to show today on the 100^th year anniversary of Archduke Franz Ferdinand's death is that the war may be part of the past, but it shows us how instead of being thinly veiled we might see it, it is as thick skinned and deep in character and bizarre little things that will tickle, interest or horrify the mind a thousand times over.

If someone were to say 'I know a great deal about World War 1', they probably just taken a bite out of an apple. The trick is to keep eating and finding out the truth in these facts about World War 1 or any other kind of history. Of course it's fair to acknowledge that not all history can be discovered so easily, but with recent events that have happened it's not that difficult to find and expand your knowledge of history (if you so chose to). Since for the next four years are the 100^th years that World War 1 has happened, you should try and find your own little bits of research that interest you. Perhaps do your family tree? Or how women affected change in the war? Or look up the different military weapons used? It's entirely up to you.

I urge you all to take the opportunity in your spare time and understand that nothing in the past is always up front, it's always hidden in a box, in another box, in another box, in a Russian Doll, and please never forget.