Welcome back to the Randomizer!
Today I want to talk about something different today. Yeah I
know the Randomizer is all about difference with all the subjects I can talk
about. Coming soon is my 25th birthday. Some people don't consider
this to be an important day in their lives, usually celebrating the 30s, 40s,
50s, etc. I disagree really because I just feel as if 25 years is a milestone
in life, it's the middle to being 50 years old and nearly in need of a
zimmerframe (though soon I wonder if Star Trek 3 will need something like that
(ahemRobertoOrciahem)). What I want to do is talk about an experience that has
been constant throughout my 25 years on this planet. A small-yet-big thing
simply called:
Autism.
As I'm writing this now, I am scared to death to talk about
this particular subject. I think it's due to the fact that I'm literally coming
out of the shell to talk about it to everyone who will read this article. By
everyone, I mean those who aren't very close to me at all. My family and
friends know that I am, but for those who read this article or even see me
walking in the street, would you really guess that I am as such without me
saying so much as a word unless you knew about it to begin with?
What I am going to try and do is show you some of my experiences
as an autistic person, good and bad, to show how life can be a daily challenge
for me and any other person who is autistic in any manner. I can't promise this
will be a simple journey because it isn't. Autism is a fine line to cross
because it is quite difficult to get your head around if you're only hearing
about the term today, or have some experience with it in the past as many
people I know to my testament will understand. It's like Gandalf says in
Fellowship of the Ring:
"Hobbits really are amazing creatures. You can learn
all there is to them, and yet even after a hundred years, they can still
surprise you".
Shut up Gandalf, I KNOW I'm amazing. (click, click, click)
That to me is probably a near perfect description of how
autism can work. No matter what information there is available, no matter how
much you can know about the subject, there's always something that can throw
you back into the loop. And yes, we all have hairy feet and have second
breakfast. Because second breakfast is just lush.
So without further ado, here is a special edition of the
Randomizer on autism.
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So...what is Autism?..............where the hell does one
start with that question?
If you were to ask me in my final years at school, I would
have said: it means I take things seriously. While that is partially true in
one way, it does not give a full description of what it is.
Autism is more officially known as a life developmental
disability, affecting how a person can communicate, relate to people all around
them, and how we can make sense of the world. For those who know people with
autism, it can show how our brains are wired differently and how we think as
opposed to being something affecting our lives. In addition it is known as a 'hidden
disability'. Unlike people who have physical problems, such as lost limbs and
wheelchairs, Autism is something that cannot be seen with the naked eye, like
using a microscope with a petri dish. Other considered hidden disabilities are
Dyslexia (a reading disability that can affect literacy, maths, and memory
development) and Dyspraxia (a motor disability affecting co-ordination, speech
and thought).
On first sight, it may seem as if Autism is something
relatively simple. But it isn't. Autism is unique because it has a spectrum as
a focal point. What that means is that while autistic people will share
specific difficulties, our conditions affect us differently. These difficulties
are split into three main points:
·
Social Communication
"For people with autistic spectrum disorders, 'body
language' can appear just as foreign as if people were speaking Ancient
Greek" (autism.org.uk)
The first major difficulty that challenges autistic people
is communication.
One is we have a literal interpretation of language said to
us, and sometimes what is said to us we will take it like that. This is
something I have some difficulty with myself. Sometimes when people are
conversing, they will say one thing, and I will think 'how does that work? It
doesn't make sense', thinking how the meaning is literal. Then I'll realise it
doesn't mean that specific thing literally, rather an interpretation of what is
meant. This is easily applied to jokes that comedians can say, because they
will go over my head and I will definitely have a blank look on my face,
looking at them as if they said 'reversed the polarity of the neutron flow'.
Another difficulty we can have is with speech patterns. Some
people with autism may not or cannot speak for a long time, even forever. They
may understand what people say, but can use other ways of communicating, using
sign language or visual symbols. Others may have the verbal skills down to a
tee, but there is a give-or-take nature to conversations, either repeating what
the other person has said, or talking at length about their own interests
instead of listening to the other side. I'll admit, the give-or-take confused
me a little, but I do think if I'm talking with someone, my own interests can
overwhelm the conversation and show mistakenly that I'm not interested in what
is being said to me. Not sure it happens all the time, but it can happen from
point to point.
The third difficulty can be a non-tendency of desire to
communicate with people. I can be like this sometimes, especially around family
and such. One best example I do
sometimes is whether there are few or many people in one room, and I just put
my headphones on and listen to my music. This is something I will come back to
later, but for now it's not as if we're trying to be rude and not partake in
conversation.
·
Social Interaction
Next, the second major difficulty we have is interacting
with people in general. This does connect with communicating because sometimes
we do get stuck in how we're talking with people. In addition, we have some problems
understanding other people's emotions and feelings as well as expressing our
own, making it uneasy to 'fit in' so to speak.
First, there is the unwritten 'social rules' which autistic
people apparently do not pick up as well as other people do. This may involve
people standing too close to a person and accidently 'invading' their personal
space, or starting a conversation with an inappropriate subject (for example,
your boobs are big!). Again as I'm writing I'm not sure about the choice of
words used from the research I've done. 'fit in' and 'social rules', it just
sounds like we're MEANT to conform into society somehow and someway. If one
autistic person has so many of these particular traits, they might be unable to
join in with the rest of society anyway.
Society = The aggregate of people living together in a more
or less ordered community. (Oxford Dictionary)
I don't know about you, but it sounds like society's waiting
for autistic people to fit in, but we can't always do that without help from those
who do understand. Gah!
The second point is we might appear to be insensitive
because we don't recognise how other people can be feeling, and somewhat appear
inappropriate or strange. One example I can show is a campaign film about an
autistic person at lunch with colleagues, one of whom is upset because her
boyfriend dumped her, getting sympathy from her friends and wondering why he
dumped her. The autistic person suggests maybe he thought she was ugly.
Everybody stares at him. Ask a question, you get an answer! Silly girl. It does
a good example of how we might appear to be insensitive, but it's not as if we
try to do it on purpose. It's a difficult thing that autistic people have a
good challenge with.
The third point is we prefer to spend time alone as opposed
to hanging out with people and not seek comfort out if we are upset. While I will say that some people with autism
can spend time alone if they wanted to, it doesn't mean we all don't want
people's company. I for one would be completely buggered if I didn't have my
group of friends, work mates and family to relate to. In fact, Mibs Bayliss
(whom I'm sure you are all aware of :P) understands autism, and has been a
close friend of mine for nearly eight years! Like any friendship we do have our
arguments from time and time, but we have managed to survive and do our best to
remain friends (although there is the teasing about me reading a certain series
based off of 'Twilight' that will not be mentioned on this blog).
·
Social Imagination
The third and last
major point I want to show is Social Imagination. For people who don't have
autism, it allows them to understand and predict how people will behave, bring
their heads around difficult ideas, and imagine themselves outside their
routine. So it looks like I need not tell you what autistic people find
difficult in this area. Sucks to be you I'm gonna tell anyway. Ha!
Some autistic people can find it hard to understand what
people are thinking, how they're feeling and what they will do next. This
connects with social interaction somewhat because sometimes if we don't
recognise how we're hurting people, we say things that will come across as
hurtful, like in the campaign film I told you about. Sometimes, I have some
difficultly with this type too because on something like Facebook, or talking
with someone, I may not always sense how a person is feeling. But I can tell
half the time if someone is crying or upset and needs some time for themselves
or just a big friendly Wookie cuddle. I can do both?
Another point is that some autistics also find it hard to
engage into imaginative play. While I again can't speak for everyone, I can say
that I haven't found this a major obstacle. I used to invent a spy game when I
was younger with an old primary school friend, and write up different story
ideas for books and such. One thing that has stuck with me throughout my life
is memorizing. Whenever I watched films or TV series there were certain scenes
that I would act out and speak out the dialogue to myself. This I will come back to later as well.
The final point I will show is that autistics have some
difficult to plan for the future and can find it hard to cope whenever a
different situation rises. This is probably one of the better known traits of
autism in my view, because some people may need an established routine to help
them focus on what is going to happen each day. Change can be seen as a big
problem too, because some autistics like to have a steady plan without any
issues arising to stress them out. As far as I know, I have it from family that
there was a specific road that I wanted to go along when I was younger. But
nowadays, it doesn't bother me too much. Though I wonder how many other people
like to have routines in their life to make sure they get the best.
·
Other characteristics
Apart from those three main parts, there are a couple more
other characteristics that help people recognise the signs of autism.
One is sensory sensitivity. This is a trait that affects
either one of the five senses: Touch, Smell, Sight, Taste and Sound. The effect
can go one of two ways: Intense (hypersensitive) or under-sensitive
(hypo-sensitive). In terms of intensity, if an autistic person were to hear a
specific sound, they may find it unbearable to listen to and even could feel
physical pain. If they were under-sensitive, they may not be able to feel the
pain at all. This can be the same with specific clothing that one may find the
feeling of clothes on their skin may cause stress.
Another characteristic is specialist interests. Many
autistic people can have special interests that is close to their hearts. These
things can range from anything: Comic Books, Music, Computers, anything you can
imagine possible. I myself have had a whole range of different interests
throughout the years. One time I was obsessed with the old ITV networks,
stretching back to the 1950s. I liked to learn about all the different stories
of tension between networks like Thames Television and London Weekend
Television, and how all of them ended up the way they did. Another thing that
you lot might have noticed is a slight obsession with Game of Thrones. You can
guess my views on that anyway from the multiple times I've talked about it in
my Randomizer blog!
Don't ask him again, we don't want Arya or Sansa to die!!
·
Asperger Syndrome
Asperger Syndrome is a form of autism that shares aspects
with the three social points I've mentioned. The main difference between the
two is people with Asperger Syndrome tend to have fewer problems in speech
instead of delayed speech at an early age and often have average or above
average intelligence. But it is a fine line in separating the two from each other
because they are so intertwined in their symptoms and thus you'd have to be a
real expert to know the difference between the two. Even I have trouble
understanding what is the main difference between the two after looking it up. Mibs where are you? :P.
So that's a big-ish taste of what Autism is and how
complicated it can be to understand. There are so many traits that make up the
building blocks of one autistic persons mind, it's probably near difficult to
find one person with a similar mind-set to yourself. But for all I have said,
there is a great deal more to say about the subject from different books, films,
TV programmes, videos and websites to look at and gain a further understanding
into how autism works and how unique autistic people can be. I can list a few
sites and programmes that will be of help if you want any further information
at the end of this blog.
But for now we shall go further down the rabbit hole, and
give you a taste of my experiences as an autistic person.
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Where do I start with such a life?
The Abbeygate in Bury St. Edmunds
Well...I suppose I could start with living down south where
I was born, in Suffolk. Let's just say I did not have an easy time down there. When
I went to my first school, I've been told by my parents that I was told off for
talking in assembly. Not that I remember that much anyway.
But my second school? Oh dear..... I had some real difficult
times there. I used to play out in the yard by myself a lot of the time, with
hardly much thought for anyone else and not caring too much so to speak. I can
remember getting hit by another kid for standing in front at the line I think,
or something like that. But I did have one friend, where we used to have our
own Power Ranger battles half the time, one day at his house, another day at my
house. One of few fond memories I have from my time south.
There was one teacher whom I really didn't like at that
time, thought she wasn't very nice. When I didn't do a picture of something at
the time instead talking to other people around the table, she was really
pissed off, sat me down by myself and shouted at me to do the picture again.
Another time was when before lunch, we were all doing practicing spelling and
stuff. All the other kids did at least a few pages of spelling out and then
went to lunch. Me? I was made to do the entire book! I'm not even kidding, she
stayed with me until I could do the whole book. I remember being so fed up of
this, I actually got into an argument with her and almost walked out, hand on
the door and everything. I wanted to be like all the other kids, go and have
lunch then play outside. I don't know why she kept me in a while longer just to
do the entire book, I don't remember her saying anything about it at all, just
writing in the book.
But there was one incident that could even top that. There
was a blonde haired kid whom thought it was fun to pick on me nearly every day,
chasing me all around places, really being an utter git. I even had to go to
his birthday party (thanks for that!). And then this little bit of detail might
just top off everything bad that happened to me there. When my dad had come to pick me up, my
babysitter at the time Lynne Thompson (Hi Lynne J)
was absolutely beside herself, and showed me to him. I had scars all over my
face and a fat lip to show for it, but I couldn't talk about it because I was
finding it difficult to get my point across. I had been sent home with no note
or message to carry on to explain what happened. The taxi driver whom took me
to school had apparently said something to her, but I wouldn't remember what it
was. Mum rang the disagreeable teacher up and wanted answers, but the teacher
was not helpful so I hear. Sometime later
me, mum and dad met the....(ahem) disagreeable teacher and the Head with a
plushy toy in hand, and I showed them what happened. What happened was I had
been picked up by my legs, spun around and let go, face hitting ground first. Needless
to say, there was cake....and an expulsion for the blonde kid. He got no cake.
Obviously. That and I might have poisoned his slice given the opportunity. Why
he picked on me I don't know. Some people are born to be psychopaths plainly.
I won't say that my time down south was all dreadful,
despite the way I'm making it sound. On the contrary, there were good times to
have. Lynne Thompson and her family were the nicest bunch of people you could
ever have to be neighbours. Me and my brother Huw always managed to hang out
with Bex and Annie Thompson (Lynne's daughters) every weekday afternoon after a
hard school day, playing on the SEGA Megadrive and their selection of games
(Sylvester and Tweety Pie, Another World etc, Alien Storm, Super Thunder
Blade), playing with the cat and dog in a rare power of friendship kind of way,
and even watching videos on the go! I remember they had all sorts of videos:
Count Duckula, Spot the Motherfuckin' Dog, Button Moon and.....there was a
video about a lion pirate or tiger pirate, I remember the intro to that, and I
might be right in thinking there was a anime about a knight and his squire who
go into a haunted castle and cross a woman in silver hair who turns out to be a
evil person and chases them down into the forest.....god. Someone tell me what
that series please! Lynne, Annie or Bex if you ever get around to reading this,
please remind what it was I was watching! Haha.
Another awesome guy I liked very much was the taxi driver
who used to take me to school. He allowed me to play whatever cassettes he had
at the time, or whatever I had with me. The ones I remember being played most
of the time were: The Shadows (because they were awesome), Teenage Mutant Hero
Turtles: Return of the Technodrome (by the way, Hero is better than Ninja.
Anyone who disagrees can leave now), and...something to do with the adventures
of a cat and dog I think? My memory is so fuzzy.
Even at my second school things changed around a bit. I
finally managed to move out of the disagreeable teacher's class and instead had a
younger and more approachable teacher with long black hair. Can't remember her
name either but she was so much more kinder and more awesome. There was an
assistant from the school too, whom I did actually see in a shop around Bury
St. Edmunds too, and I could chat with her many times when I went in there.
However, things changed quickly when I was 8 years old and
we moved out of Suffolk, moving up to YORKSHIRE in 1997. I will admit, the good
memories I have had from the short time I had in Suffolk will bring me some joy
at least. But I'm more inclined to think about the bad stuff more because they
somehow always stick in my mind. School then was an unpleasant experience for
me, probably more so with my autism. Younger kids, and even to an extent the
adults there, didn't give some understanding about who I was or recognise what
symptoms I had without giving some hints to my teacher or my parents. It was a
bad experience that I hope will never happen to an autistic child in their
lifetime. But I wonder that it might continue anyway, because people don't know
about autism.
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York Minster / Minstermus Prime
Moving up to Yorkshire was an interesting experience, as I
didn't really have too much of a bother being in a different area. The only
real issue I had was making new friends, and finding out which school I was
going to go into. Eventually since it was actually my choice, I chose to go to a school in York because it seemed like a really nice place to go to, and had
its own specialist unit for those with learning disabilities. Oddly enough, I
only went there 4 times a week. Can't remember the reason why. However, there
was a free spot in the village school on Fridays. So my time was nicely
balanced.
For the first couple years in the York school, I had an Irishman as
my teacher. Needless to say he was awesome, someone whom I enjoyed as a teacher
and good fun all around. You might be surprised to hear that he does live in
the same village now as I do! Seriously, the first time we met each other in
about so many years was in The Castle Inn, when he walked up to me and asked
who I was, and introduced himself as my old teacher. This was my expression:
O.O. I looked up to him as a good teacher, but not afraid to tell you off if
you've done something silly (You've drawn a line without a ruler!).
Always use a ruler kids
Unfortunately, the good times didn't last as well. Mr.
Irishman left before my final year which depressed me, and was replaced by Mrs.
Ginger (not her actual name). Or as I might call her, the slightly less
disagreeable sister to the disagreeable Teacher. I don't remember her being too
bad, but after Mr. Irishman left the enjoyment of being at the York school lessened
somewhat. We also had this group thing in my last year where me, another boy
and a girl would learn different bits from her, while the others in the unit
would have fun and games with another teacher. The learning stuff wasn't too
bad, but every now and then I was told bluntly of making something up when it
was never my intention, and giving praise on another kid. It was something that
upset me at the time a lot, and actually made me choose to ask to join in with
the fun and games for a little while, before sorting things out again and moving
back into the room to learn again.
There was one minor incident as well which I'm not very sure
what happened. When it came to around t o having our break, I did the usual
thing of getting my coat and going outside. There was one issue with this: No
one was out, and unfortunately I had managed to lock myself out. I was banging
on the doors and shouting at the top of my voice, but no one came to let me
back in until half-an-hour later. I'm not totally sure how all this happened.
Maybe I got the time wrong or something, I don't know.
There were a couple of things that I was very proud of.
First, when it came to our annual Easter Egg competition, I came 3rd
in my first year there, and 1st in my second (with my lovely
Newcastle United Egg). Consistent podium positions doesn't sound bad does it?
Also in 1998 came our own World Cup tournament, where we each picked out
different teams out of a hat and talked about that team's country a bit, as
well as following their progress. I got France, and won that too. Aren't I a
sly git? Ha ha.
Their duty to cheating didn't work so well in 2010
In comparison to those times in York, the village school was more of a mixed bag. Firstly, I did get into some trouble with two teachers
to start with. The first teacher told me off in the same day when we were
swimming, once for splashing the other kids accidently as I dried myself,
secondly for bringing the students around from their selected classroom back to
the bus without being told to by teacher. I didn't really like her at first
because I thought she was horrible. The second teacher was a blue-eyed curly
haired man with a big belly. I actually don't remember his name so well, so
I'll call him Mr. Baratheon. Sounds a good name! Anyway, I remember going up to
have work checked by him, and he would always say I'm doing something wrong or
something which I thought was untrue, and sighed my disappointment, which he
always confused for tutting. One day, I actually rounded on him and said Mr.
Irishman was a better teacher then he was. That went down well, and I think I
got told off pretty well by my parents for that remark! Whoops. Later on as I
made a few friends there as well, I mellowed out a little and came around to
eventually liking both teachers there, losing some apprehension and working
things out nicely with everyone there.
In addition to both schools, I even had a second babysitter:
Jill Sykes, along with her daughters Abbie and Elle and son Sam. They were a
really nice family to be around and even had videos again for me to watch and
enjoy to my heart's content. I never thought about this before until now, but
it was a very familiar setting with living back down south with the Thompsons.
It felt like a natural progression in routine surroundings.
Eventually again, the good things moved on as I left both
primary schools and moved up to secondary in 2000. Leaving both those places
was quite sad for me, more so at the York school because these were people that I
would never see again in my life (for the moment). I even told my old best
friend there to come to my secondary school when he finished primary! That's
how much I adored the people there. I think I was quite sad to not be with the
Sykes anymore too because I did enjoy their company very much.
I will say that the good bits and bad were all in a nice
balance with each other. Nothing felt very overwhelming all the time, and I did
make some very close friendships with many people. I will say however that for
most of the teachers, it must have been difficult to work things out with me
because I was different from all the other kids, and difficult to understand
what autism means. From the experience I have had, they probably never
encountered anything like this before. Looking back as well, I was quite
confrontational with many people, telling them exactly what I had in my mind
and feeling that their view was I was being naughty for no reason. It was a hard
relationship to build up in the proper manner. But unlike what happened in
Suffolk, things were genuinely getting better and I was able to do work and
develop myself into someone who can at least talk and explain myself in
different situations, as well as express myself creatively. So what would
secondary school bring?
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Don't fancy getting into trouble for use of the school badge/tie without permission so.....best I can do
Being in secondary school from 2000-2006 was a strange time
for me. It was a completely different environment to be in, with new faces to
know, new teachers to learn and a new different routine to get settled into.
Interestingly enough, I could get around the routine of things easily, but
during my time there, everything seemed to go up for me, both good and bad.
For the first year and a half, I was in the specialist unit
at the school who worked with me in a sort of similar environment to primary
school. To help continue what support I had, I was given a worker called Mrs.
L, whom I came to appreciate working with and had a good close relationship,
despite some misunderstandings that made it difficult to get across each other.
In fact, she was probably the closest thing I had to a proper friend that
remained with me for all the years to come there.
The others in my first class form were of varying degrees of
friendship, from liking them to just being annoyed by them. There were some
things we had on common ground, but it all spilled over at times when we all
were just difficult with each other. I'll admit that I wasn't an easy person to
get along at the best of times, not understanding anyone else apart from myself.
But there were times when they would drive me up the wall.
One friend of mine whom I had a good friendship with in the York school (another friend) no less suggested talking to others other then
himself. I think I was annoyed on hearing that remark. Yes I talked to him a
lot of the time, but it never occurred to me to focus my attention on anyone
else. This was a close friend of mine, someone who I cared about. It wasn't as
if I was trying to bug him all the time. This was never properly resolved
between us, and we eventually drifted apart, even disliking each other. We had
seen each other in future a number of times, but I could never bring myself to
apologise to him because I felt I didn't deserve anything from him at all.
When it came around to Easter 2002, I had a talk with the
main people in the specialist unit about the consideration about moving into a
Mainstream class with people who weren't autistic or challenged in anyway. The
idea of moving in with a bigger class of people did fascinate me, and would
allow me to move away from the others whom I didn't get along with very well. In
doing a trial run for 2 weeks to see how I coped, it was an strange experience
to meet new people and make new friendships there, even finding myself
attracted to a few of them! In those 2 weeks, I'd say I coped very well with
being in this new environment, and found myself enjoying the new company I made
in the class. So after the Easter Break, I moved fully on into the mainstream
and never looked back.
What I didn't fully appreciate at the time was how different
the change was. That was due to my belief at the time that I wasn't so
different from the others, I could cope as well as anybody and carry on with
life as usual. Here came my surprise in those years that I discovered to have
autism. No seriously, at this point I was really shocked and angry to discover
that I was really different. When I went straight to the main teacher about my
diagnosis, he explained calmly about the autistic spectrum and how in
comparison to others, I was right near the side of high-fuctioning autistic
people, that I had improved myself in many years and was able to live out a
life in mainstream classes. Slowly, but surely I came to accept the inevitable.
That I was autistic.
Before any of you go: "Hang on, how can you not KNOW
you were autistic at the time? Didn't your parents ever tell you?" Well when I was talking about this with my
parents the other day, they said to me that I was there during the point when
my parents were told of the diagnosis, that I had running tests with doctors,
and effectively where I was standing at the time. This was all when I was
between 8 and 10 years old, completely in my world and no proper understanding
of WHO I was. Can you really expect an 8 or 10 year old autistic child to fully
understand the situation that they are in, when they are still trying to make
sense of the world that can never fully understand everything that is
happening? I'm not trying to show my anger at people who may not understand,
I'm trying to show how do you go about explain to someone that they are
different, who may not fully appreciate the situation and who they are in
relation to others. This was a very long time ago and I can't even remember
fully being in the same room with my parents and the doctor and not understanding
who I was. That's my experience as far as I can at best retrieve for the moment
and sticking to it. If I had that great a memory as I do remembering all sorts
of random facts, I would tell it in an instant.
Realising that I was autistic now helped give me more
understanding of what I was like as a person then and helping people to
understand that as best I could. But my own understanding of autism was not so
helpful, as I've said at the start of the blog, since I only really understood
part of the problem. Because of limited understanding, I was quite naive at school,
happy in my own world. The consequences of this were quite reaching, and got me
into some trouble and difficulty in understanding with people.
When it came to puberty, woman, and autism added into that
mix, you can guarantee there is inappropriate behaviour. I think the problem was
not only did I not understand how to behave around woman, but also I wasn't
properly sat down and told that this was inappropriate behaviour, to stick in
my head as oppose to saying to me in a backstreet or high street saying to stop
it. Keeping myself to myself half the time didn't help either, nor did anyone
in my class or teacher say "Respect women and don't do this because women
don't like to be touched in that manner". The people I hung out with as
well were not helpful either, not really telling on me, but never said
"Don't you think....". Only twice did I apologise for my behaviour.
That probably isn't really a good thing. By the end of my time however, I had
manage to control my behaviour to that extent and keep myself out of trouble.
But it's not all one sided, I had my fair share of being
hurt myself many times. When I went into mainstream, I not only made friends in
class but also with friends in different forms who had similar interests to me,
one of which being Yu-Gi-Oh and anime. I had a load of Yu-Gi-Oh cards with me
that I would bring into school and play along with them. Unfortunately, one day
they were stolen under my nose. Needless to say I was in tears when I found out
and almost unresponsive. I had no idea who would just take them like that.
However a few weeks later, someone (whom I was acquainted with and didn't
really like) had a distinct card of mine that had a rip along the side. So I
said to them that it was mine, and we got into a proper match with each other.
I told a teacher of mine and the matter was pretty much settled out, with me
gaining that card back. I never really found the culprit from my years, until
years later at Little John's when he revealed himself and apologised. I wasn't
sure about forgiving him there and then, but I did. Perhaps that was a bit too
easy since I still feel a bit angry about it, even after so many years on and
my cards are virtually unused now.
BLUE. EYES. IS. PISSED!
There was one bigger incident that stayed with me pretty
much for a long time. When in six form and coming into a class, some friends of
mine had painted a picture of me in some position as a joke. Upon seeing it, I
was really upset at that imagery, unable to understand the joke and hit them
over the head and just walked out. My teacher then told me to get some air,
while another friend whom I shall refer to as EL stayed with me and looked
after me, making sure I was ok and listening to me as I tried to talk. It was
from that point I considered EL a very close friend and saw her as the only
person I could relate too. Unfortunately due to a miscommunication, subsequent
arguing and nasty spoken from both sides last year, we are no longer friends.
It's really sad how close friends can just go at each other's throats like
that, and also can show how many people that misunderstand what is happening
between friends and know that you're different, were willing to call me
'retard', 'fat ugly cunt' and anything else in their 'Sweary Twats dictionary'
(I actually laughed when he called me fat ugly cunt. Shame some people take
appearance and go for the jugular, though the bullets bounced off rather easily).
Lastly, when it came to doing exams and GCSEs, I will admit
I was not wholly prepared at all in many respects. I didn't take the aspects of
revision so seriously and as a result in my first years there, I don't remember
achieving so much. When it came to GCSEs, that was the real issue I contended
with, partly thanks to the mock exams. My Maths result on the mocks was...bad.
U. So thinking I had no chance of getting a good grade, there was an option to
do a foundation paper. I took that, and got a D in my final exam, the highest
you can really get. When doing the actual exams, I was giving an option of 25%
extra time to write, so I could try and carry on with the paper as best I could
in my own time. However, this wasn't always communicated well with other
teachers, as one in particular told me off in as much as a few days to not
start writing before the exam actually started. It left me kind of embarrassed
when told off for something I was technically ok to do. He did try and be
helpful on the last day of the exam, but I didn't care what he had to say at
the time, still annoyed with him. Luckily the exams were soon over and I was as
free as a cat to sleep whenever they wanted to.
In 2005, I officially ended my time at secondary school, and
was looking forward to going to college. But the lack of grades meant (or so I
thought) I couldn't get in easily, so I stayed on for another year to get more
C grades (one of which was a remark in history because I was so close to
getting a C) in GNVQ ICT, and left officially again in May 2006, conveniently
before my birthday!
So as you see, being an autistic person in a school can be
difficult, especially with the different challenges that lay not just with
teachers and friends, but eventually with one's self too. I won't say I didn't
get enough support, which I did a lot of the time thanks to Mrs L. But as I was
growing into a teenager, that's just an important time to try and settle an
autistic person down as they approach more difficulties in communicating with
people, handling sexual experiences better (stop it you silly people :P) and
trying to make sure that both parties have some understanding on where they are
going in life. Some of the problems I encountered at school were handled with
half the time when it came to understanding what I was, how I tried to
communicate with others and moving into a mainstream class without much
problem. But in some cases, I was quite naive in my understanding of autism,
how sometimes having friends can be a big difficulty, and how sexual behaviours
can be curbed out appropriately. I don't really want to be critical of the
support I was given, because it was best as can be. But people all around the
school still didn't understand autism and how it can affect others accidently.
Even my friends didn't understand how I worked, and it resulted in everyone
being hurt.
In future, there should be more than a support unit for
autistic people in secondary schools. At least all teachers and students should
at least have some understanding of autism, even as complex as it can be. Have
an assembly on it, have paper guidelines, have a class talking about it.
Furthermore, make sure the person who is autistic KNOWS that they are autistic
and have their own understanding of it all. I know that may sound stupid
because they might know it already, but in my case it may help a lot in making
sure that they do understand what autism, and not as naive as I was in talking
about it to other people back then. Autism is a subject that really isn't
talked about so much and it should be, along with dyslexia and other types.
It's in places like secondary schools that ignorance still happens and it
doesn't need to, yet it does. I wish these sort of things can happen, but it
disappoints me that people still are in the shadows of not understanding
autism. Even more so that it might not happen anytime soon.
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2006-2008 seemed only a lifetime away, yet this was the
place where everything became a little personal for me, not just relating to
people but evidently seeing a way where my future really laid as a job. These
were the years I went to York College, and thus began a time of close knit
friendships and continuing awkward times.
While at school I had a growing interest in films because of
my remembering scripts, and that in turn developed into wondering how film
worked. So I applied to do Media Moving Image at York College, and moved into a
different environment once more. In addition, I decided to redo my English GCSE
for thinking I might go to university in good time, eventually getting it up to
a C grade.
Media Moving Image itself over the years I was there was
pretty good. We were allowed to make our own movie projects, in addition to
writing up essays and evaluations. But the making side was good and stressful,
which came with the territory anyway. We made our own music videos, short
films, portfolios etc, it was really to help us see where we wanted to go in
life and how much equipment we could exploit the hell out of. The short film
process allowed me to put across many different ideas down to paper, letting my
creative juices flow down the page with every word I put down. Narrowing them
all down, I decided at the time that they were a bit too ambitious to do,
instead doing a thriller piece called: Edge of Anger, with accidental
innuendos, silly stuff and probably a number of continuity errors. Fun times!
Like at school, there was a support unit available to me to
help me make sense of the new coursework and the modules I would be studying. In
some of my classes I had a note-taker who would jot down what was being
discussed in that particular room and making sure I kept them to understand and
remind myself for future reference. It was really helpful to me to have some
time with those support workers and understand what was being asked of me and
what to do. There was one time when I didn't go to a session because I fancied
having a make-over with hair and new clothes. Whoops.
It didn't work so well. For some reason I became all depressed, car happy and....sparkly. That was a weird month.
Coming to making new friends, that was difficult to start
with. It wasn't that I found much difficultly in making new friends and talking
much, rather people didn't quite understand what I was like at first. Honestly,
one friend thought I was stalking her at first when we went on the same bus
together. I was going through a funny period in that time, so I wasn't really
very talkative on that bus, and hardly noticed her on the bus either. Another
problem was working with one person in my first group. He wasn't too bad to
work with, but there was one point where he got into a fuss over footage that
was considered 'his' (somehow) and he had a massive go at me for using it. I
was upset, silent over this argument and just walked off out of the room. That
was a lack of communication between us, and no explanation what the actual
rules were in relation to everyone else's work.
But overtime throughout those first few months, I got more
comfortable with what I would 'The College Crew' which included a certain
Bayliss I might care to mention! Oddly enough while we were all going on a film
trip, Mibs revealed that she knew I was autistic due to a family member who has
Asperger's Syndrome. This soon became a great surprise and good joy for me.
Here was someone MY own age, who knew about autism and understood me as a
person. What more could I ask for? Well, fish and chips for starters. She
became a very close friend of mine and we do enjoy each other's company, even
if there is a mention of a certain series based off 'Twilight' that must not be
said. Ever.
Another close friendship I developed wasn't even in the
country, let alone college! American MB (not Mibs Bayliss in case you're
wondering) sent me a message on Myspace (ahh nostalgia), saying she always
wanted to know about autism and hoped we could chat later. Since 2007, we have
been pretty close friends despite having a long distance friendship, unable to
actually meet up and properly hang out. But thanks to the internet, we have
kept up with each other from time to time and having good proper chats. It's
funny how autism can actually bring people together, and have a friend who
loves Pink Floyd at the same time!
We'll meet for once in our lives....
Despite having someone who understood my autism, I did have
a tendency to sometimes put my foot into my mouth. One time I spoke of my
thoughts on one teacher, and unintentionally managed to insult a first year in
my second year for what I said. I won't say it on here in case it offends any
people on here. In this situation I genuinely had no clue about this first
year's life, and never had the intention of insulting anyone like that. If I
had really known off-hand, I would have taken that into consideration and not
have said anything. This isn't just really a case of putting foot in mouth
because I was too honest about a teacher when I first met her, but also more
accidental coincidence that this horrible thing happened to one person's
family, and I didn't know at all.
In 2008, college wrapped up pretty fast and we all as a
group went our separate ways for the moment. Most people were going off to
university, while I decided to have a gap year out before planning my next move
into university. It was difficult to bid farewell to people who had been my
rock for the past year, but we all managed one last get-together as college
students in September before we all left. I loved these people with all my
heart and it was hard to make sure I wouldn't try and bug them with sending
loads of messages, because the university work would be hard going. I will say
that college was a huge step for me in making more close friendships then I
ever could imagine, especially with Mibs, Alice, Jamie, Scott and so many more.
These were people I had quite a lot in common, and enjoyed their company as
much as I could. The support I received was probably better because I didn't
have to deal with so many more people in different classes, only those on my
course, and I could focus on one thing at a time as opposed to so many things
at once.
Another first at happened in 2006 at least was my first and
still current job at the local pub in Sheriff Hutton as a pot-washer. Simple
job I know but as I developed friendships in college, I was able to build up
good working relationships with people at the pub too, and allowed me to build
up a sizable amount of money to buy stuff and travel for myself all over the
place, which was helpful in going to the Download Festival in 2008, 2009 and
2010. Good times!
Being at college as well gave me a bit of influence as well,
in creating my first attempt at a proper book. It was called 'The Streets' and
quite loosely based off my experiences at college, focusing on an autistic
female called Rory Newcastle and how she goes through college in the span of
two years. However my feelings on the story now is that it seemed TOO complex,
too much all happening in one space. It is currently on the shelf for the
moment and will come down when I feel the time is right to come back to it and
revise everything on it, because I want it to be right and true to autistic
people who can read it and say 'I can relate to this'. It's all I ask for, to
make sure everything is in order.
College was the start of a huge change for me in terms of
personal growth and developing friendships that have lasted for a very long
time. That change has really grown so much more over-time and beyond to this
day, thanks to people who seemed, and in Mibs's case actually did, understand
me and my autism. They have helped me come out of my shell a great deal and try
to enjoy life as best I can. What more could I ask for, then the best bunch of
friends who do their best to understand me? Cake. Cake is good.
Hmmm....Chocorgasm
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During my gap year in 2008-2009, I was pretty stuck for
things to do. But to balance my time nicely was doing a spot of volunteering in
and around, helping me build up a film portfolio and make a short film about
volunteering, which was quite fun to do. It allowed me to understand more the aspects
of film-making and working together in a group. In fact it was probably the
best group for film-making I was in! It also gave me more hours to work so I
had a good load of money and time to see the college crew in different parts of
the country to spend the good load of money.
Applying for university was a little jarring at first
because there were all different interviews and open days to go to and take in
the different surroundings and learn what there was to do on the course.
Eventually though, rejections and distance settled the decision and I chose to
go to York St. John to study Film and Television Production.
It might have been a bit difficult to make friends with
people there, had it not been for the first years below me at college joining
up at the same time as me. I was well acquainted with a good lot of them so it
made it easier to blend in and join in a new group of friends at university,
with whom I enjoyed their company. There were the occasional arguments when we
were doing our film projects and nights out, but at least we didn't kill each
other in the end. Much.
That wedding scene was quite difficult to film, especially the director and producer going at each other's throats
The course itself wasn't so bad, considering the amount of
paperwork and actual filming that we did. But it wasn't easy either. Working
with many people during the course helps you understand not just working
relationships in between the different jobs when filming, but also how
personality clashes you can have over the time you spend with people. On one
project in my second year, I was an editor and clashed with my director so many
times in few sittings. Part of that was my fault because I told him I was
autistic, but I didn't follow it up with talking to the entire group about it.
Why I didn't talk about it was a sense of naivety again. Maybe I thought I
could cope with it, but overtime I should have done to make things cooler and
less tension. If you're autistic and reading this blog, even if you're mildly
autistic but still find it hard to communicate with people and it gets to a
point where you can't cope, talk to them. It will help them to help you.
When it came to writing essays however, that was quite a
difficult challenge to take. So as an autistic person, I could apply for
disability support and get myself a new laptop, and have a mentor to help me
structure my words out and explain what bits needed to be taken out, what
needed to be added in etc. For the first term, my first mentor wasn't very
helpful and hardly came to meetings. As such I complained. The second mentor
was called JB and frankly, was a godsend. He helped me structure my essays and
to plan my dissertation with ordering books, giving proper time to research and
was supportive of me whenever something bad cropped up. I came to consider him
one of my closest friends during my time at university. We did have minute
spats every now and then, but we both straightened each other out when we
needed to and just got on with the job. Because of his help on my dissertation,
I gave him the first honour to be on my 'thank you' list, and helped me achieve
the highest mark I ever got at university: 67. (60-69 counts as a 2:1, the
second to highest mark you can get. 70 plus being a 1st. So three
marks off!)
At times on my course, you are given an opportunity to do
some actual work in the Film and TV industry. I chose to work up at Bamburgh
Castle, and help to film the Bamburgh Research Project, an ongoing
archaeological dig since 1996. I found my time there considerable fun, made a
few good friends there and managed to get some good filming done in and around
the castle, as well as filming small video diaries of people who were also
working on the project. At times it was difficult to try and talk to people there
about what they were doing, but I think I managed to cope well in the
circumstances. Apart from no internet, that was just horrible!
Not much else I can say about my time at university, apart
from the point I didn't always go out drinking on nights and tried to use my
time productively. What I would say really is when it comes to being autistic,
it's probably a two way deal with the people you will come to know for the next
three years. There will be people you will come into contact with who will
understand your autism and help you along the way in doing work and socialising
with you. For those who don't know you however and you're working with them in
a group, find a way to talk to them, either with help from your mentor who will
try their best to explain, or if you feel comfortable enough, tell them
yourself and explain your best to make them understand you in an environment of
your choosing. It will help them in the long run to understand who you are and
try to help you make life a little easier.
However considering my three years doing film-making, I felt
a life in the industry really wasn't for me. You don't just need to have a love
for film-making, you need to be so ambitious to put yourself across in that world
and keep moving on up and up. In some ways, I was quite put off by the
experience of film-making because I just felt I lost the passion to make films
as opposed to watching them and being a critique about them more so.
So what other choices lay before me? Well a little thing
I've had a good amount of joy from: writing. As you see before this blog and my
book I am currently writing at the minute. But it doesn't bring in money. Boo.
So I started to look for another job and eventually became a kitchen porter at
Oscar's Wine Bar and Bistro. The one thing that I hardly mentioned to people
there is the fact that I am autistic. Believe me, I wasn't sure whether to say
that I was or not because when applying for another job I mentioned the fact
that I was autistic and subsequently was never called back. Maybe that might
fall into discrimination or something I don't know. In the end, I didn't say
because I wasn't sure it was important to say because I thought I could cope in
situations that I had experience in before. You can call me out for being a
hypocrite if you want to, considering what I said about working with people you
don't know. Though I suppose it's up to you whether you want to say whether
you're autistic or not depending on how you feel about your autism yourself,
and whether people can understand that you are of course: different.
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So that is my life with autism so far. I hope from reading
my experiences with autism, you will gain more understanding into not just how
technical the autistic mind is, but also how emotional and unique an autistic
CAN be. It will always be a challenging journey for an autistic person to go
through life, especially where there is little support and such like my life
down in Suffolk was. Where there is love and support given by family, workers
and more importantly friends, it can help make life a little easier for them to
enjoy. It is important as well to make sure any autistic, however mild or
intense, has the right kind of support for them at any time.
A lot of people say that autism is a disorder, disability,
problem, mental illness etc. I would be more inclined to say it is an
experience. Not everyone has it, but it is a line that some people have crossed
straight away at birth and will stay there for the rest of their lives. I am
one of those people, and have no shame in saying to the world that I am
autistic, and life has not been easy for me but I intend to move forward as
best I can, even though the difficulties in talking to people and relating to
them will always remain. I might be human, but never forget that I am, for lack
of a better word:
Autistic.
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